So far away, yet so close in my heart

Distance

How is it to be in a long-distance poly relationship?

I can tell you it isn´t easy. You worry about things all the time, you miss your partner(s), miss feeling their warm body next to you, hearing their laughter... i could go on, as i often do in my mind... the things you will start to miss, small details, feelings, smells...

It´s like visiting Venice, you know? People say everyone gets depressed after they visit Venice, the overwhelming beauty making your current location seem dull and boring, depressingly gray and lifeless. But it isn´t all lifeless... you brought a little of that color with you and in the same way i often find myself smiling instead of frowning when i think of my time with b and m. The nerdy games, the naughty games... the awkward shared eye contact between us two dudes and the silent understanding...

And you begin to review things, like... did we really have that -no-words-needed-understanding? Or was i just thinking too positively? Now this sounds quite critically, but it´s not bad imo (In My Opinion)... I certainly figured some things i would do differently... dare i say, better... if I return. Maybe they come visit me, both are things i look forward to.


Of course we are still in contact... but it´s so limited... really if i type "i love you", it´s just 8 letters, sitting there... cold, slim, unmoving black lines on white background, expressing nothing of what I really feel, which would be more like a colorful, unstoppable, expanding universe too complex to again, force into simple words. And I know that b sometimes feels the same way...



Missing each other hurts so what do you do? You try not to think about each other, maybe not even talk... it works quite well after a while, you spend the day doing your things, none of the heaviness around your heart... but then you lay down to rest and like a flood breaking lose you can´t help but think of those so far away, yet so close in your heart. What does help against the pain? There is the temptation of... replacement. Distraction. Keeping your eyes open for others... i´m trying, hell, she even wants me to... but like a ship firmly anchored, i just can´t allow myself to fully let go. Do you know how to miss someone less while being unable to love them any less?


So to sum up, it is a mixed feeling... of course i am sad at times, missing them... in others i let my mind wander, thinking how nice it will be to finally meet again, to show them the same joy they gave me here, considering things to do, remembering little facts... at it feels nice. The mind begs for confirmation "yes I miss you, too.... Wish you where here..." such things... could hear them all day, could say them just as long. I hope this time will only make a meeting even more enjoyable, since after all can one know true joy without true suffering? But that´s another topic...

~So many "..."...