T talks Sex

Sex, making love, fucking, doing it...

We all have slightly different understandings of the word, different emotions connected to it and different understandings of what it means... Sure technically, we all know it means that the sex(es) touch, but emotional different feelings are attached.

Take the time and ask your (potential) partner(s) "What does sex mean to you?"

We are lucky in our poly-something, that we are all very different sexually, yet not so much unlike each other. Some of us like men, some of us are into kinky things, some of us are into other kinky things. Because we have such different ways of "doing it", I for one don't feel jealous, because I know my way of expressing my love is special and one of a kind.

I can't speak for the others, but I'll elaborate my own view of sexuality.

Sex is something intimate and personal, something I could not do with someone I do not like as a person. I've turned down the "drunk, sloppy and slutty" sex more than once, because I cling to my strange view of morals and emotions... I wouldn't enjoy it.

Sex is in the head (no, not like that, pervert). Your brain is by far the most sensitive sexual organ. If you’re going only by physical pleasure, hell, I would be far more effective if you just Do It Yourself. I personally enjoy playing with the mind as much as the body... mentally training someone, for example (always use the same gesture or word when you allow them to orgasm or do something nice, soon that word will also trigger the response) or playing with your fantasy (tell your partner in very fine detail everything you will do to them, talk about how you will enjoy it... and then let them beg for it).

I also reflect all the pleasure of my partner onto myself... as I am not very sensitive, it is rare for me to ever orgasm before or more than my partner, but even if I don't reach the physical highpoint, I am far more satisfied than I would have been achieving dozens of orgasms on my own. When I look down at a partner who is nearly passed out, smiling and panting, I am proud and joyful, both for her and myself.

To achieve that kind of joy in sex, communication is key. We all make mistakes (if a man says he doesn't - run, run and don't look back, girls!), but we can learn from them. I tend to talk about it, after the scene is over, go into detail about what you enjoyed, asking what kind of grip feels best, what she would like more off...

Talking about sex is hard. Even if you just did it, had that moment... for a girl to say "I want you to pull my hair and fuck me like a ****", it takes a lot of trust and intimacy to admit your kinks, but also keep the respect for each other. The fear of losing your partner’s respect when you admit your kinks most likely keeps many girls in doubt if they should admit their desires... the same obviously applies to many men.

Maybe you think that your partner has no hidden desires... Maybe it is true, but I for one know many people who have those desires, especially the kind of "wait till marriage" Christian girls (here I go using clichés), who are very kinky, even shockingly so, but also plagued by guilt... which arouses them even more in their kink. Everyone acts shocked about sex in public, even though they all did worse in their own private time, right?

Sadly, as being poly, you have to face the fact that everyone thinks you did it for the (awesome) sex or some kink thing. It is rare that we have -more-than-two-somes- and no, we don't have any more sex than the average monogamous couple. We most likely have a harder time, since there is no cheating and you need to take the time to explain your relationship to the other person, to inform your other partners and talk about it in detail... and honestly, nearly everyone that even hears pol--- *jumps out the window*.

The typical responses are "I'd be too jealous" from women and those who take the time to actually listen to me explaining that everyone is jealous, but jealousy is based on insecurities and you actually deal with it. Then they continue with "It's just not for me.". It is their choice and I respect that.

Didn't even get the chance to go into detail about the D/s or M/s side of our relationship yet, but that’s something to look forward to, right?

Dedicated to my beloved pet.

Exposure...

In terms of exposure and being able to "show off", relationships and sex go hand in hand, don't they? Sex just has a added layer of intimacy:


~With friends: "I sure love my girlfriend"
~with close friends: "And the sex is amazing!"


Maybe it happens for the same reasons... being able to share your joy with others, makes it even better... maybe it enhances your status, maybe it helps your self esteem, maybe your just comparing dick size? Regardless, it is joyful...


However, if you plan to be poly (or have really naughty sex) you have to be careful... very few people will act shocked or question you more, some even not react at all and then gossip about you. I personally think that nearly each person has done more "kinky" things in the bedroom than they pretend to be shocked about in public.


Just keep in mind that not everyone will be able to just share your happiness, many people have the need to judge critically... it is natural and, in my opinion, okay. You can dismiss something as unfit for yourself, for your own person. However, only in rare cases should one judge for others.


I and my partner(s) have choosen to expose ourself and face that critic, infact I do get many weird looks and questions (So you don't take it in the butt? No, I don't!). You have to know for yourself - and discuss with your partners, if your willing to expose yourself like this.

Emotional Outsourcing

To make poly work you need so many diverse emotional skills... you need to be able to put yourself into the mind of others, you need to both be emotionally attuned to your surroundings, but also keep a cold, clear head and think logical, you need to be sensitive, but also have a solid skin...

I doubt any single person has all the skills it needs to understand, know and deal with the many issues of any relationship and partner(s). BUT you are afterall, not alone. Humanity didn't become the dominate kind because we all can do everything, no, we know how to cooperate, to use the skills of those with talent for a goal...


Why not do the same in a relationship?


I personally, rather recently, got stuck - emotionally, logically maybe, about a certain situation and I was unable to see anything but my own viewpoint and only reinforced it. Poor me, life is so horrible and everyone is unfair. B however - once I started to listen - shared her insight, the completly different viewpoint, highlighted with the skills and feelings she has... I am more of a cold thinker, logical to the core, emotionally crippled and distanced... I can tell her when she falls in love with the wrong kind of person... but she can could see me better then I could see myself.

By respecting her words and understanding that she understands things in a different and maybe more accurate way, I found the strength to say "Sorry", a word so hard to say that I'd rather salt my own eyeball.

You are not alone, accept the insight of your partner(s)

Rules

One of our readers wrote in, asking b for some advice, I will be talking about a part of her message:


"....I was wondering if you guys have any rules in your poly relationship to prevent hurt feelings, or feelings of anyone feeling left out or not included..."




As my previous entry maybe made clear... feelings will get hurt, boundaries will be found and extended and things might happen that you could never have planned for. But you can prepare, right?


The first part would be communication, communication and more communication. Something I recently said to bea was the following "Never assume anything". Cultures, mindsets and feelings are all different... women, men, Europeans and Asians, coffee drinkers and book readers, shade lovers and snowmen makers, we are all many things and not one of us is like the other. Even if you love a person for many years, even if you think you know what they think, respect them by talking with them and still asking for what they think.


My grandparents have been married and living with each other for over 60 years now. They still surprise each other! It is so easy to assume you know, so much more easy to think you know that your partner would agree or feel like that and then just go on, instead of seeking to talk about every detail, but you should...


When starting or adding, have a long talk with the new person and ensure that person also has an open talk with your possible other partners or share what you desire to share about your history and who is still important to you. This is one of the big mistakes we stumbled into when getting started... I was unaware there were non-active partners and loved ones, which was quite the shock when it came up.


Start at the very basic. Tell each other who you love in this world, who is important to you and what expectations you have. Really go as far as saying:
"So this is what I think polyamory means and that is in detail what it means for us."


I recommend really going though a "pretend" partnership, both for your new partner and yourself "What if I meet a person in a coffee shop that I like. Can I kiss/flirt with them there, without having to tell them I am poly? Without having to ask for your permission? What if more happens?"


Have your partner describe what he or she thinks about the way either of you can find and engage with others, if it all and how you will manage each other's problems and the conflicts that might be created while living with each other.


Me and b had a long talk about rules... we concluded to stay without, as they don't solve or remove the insecurities that create the desire for such, but I personally would recommend a starting couple to have that talk as well "If we had rules, which ones would it be?" or maybe even set some rules, they give a good framework, a starting point.


With enough communication, love and effort, your relationship can work trhough every problem, all the obstacles you will face on your adventure, and make your bounds even stronger.


Going from my own experience, here are some topics that should be discussed in detail, where you should make clear how important it is to you and what expectations you have.


-What is our relationship, our commitment to each other and our long term ideas?
-How much do we publicly expose this relationship? (Friends, Facebook, Community?)
-In detail, when and for what do you NEED to inform me and what things should only happen with my consent?
-Do we have primary and secondary partners and what the hell does that even mean?
-Finding and suggesting ways to deal with any issues, emotionally (jealousy), physically (no sex due to illness for example) and financially.
-Commiting to openly talking about your feelings, wants and needs.

Expectations & Reality

I never had any experience with polyamory before going into this relationship... sure, I've been in "easy/open" relationships, but this was a huge experiment for all of us. If you never had such a relationship, you might be along the same line of though... so hey, lets compare!

Starting this, I thought something like:

"Oh we will all be perfect lovers/friends and share our happiness."
"I will not get hurt by being cheated on or lied to."
"I will have the possibility to find others, should I desire so."
"So much kinky sex!"

Soon however, these ideas clash with reality... and while they still work, it just takes serious effort... being poly is hard! Just as every other kind of relationship...

"We have to compromise, share our time and sometimes have to fight for our "me" time. We do not all think equally about all subjects and have to make deals."
"Stating the truth of what you feel is painful, hearing the truth about certain things can be painful, too"
"We have to face the reality of our partners choices or wishes for others and discuss and deal with them."
"We have to respect the physical limitations and needs of all our partners and their partners"

As you see, it is not easy, in fact it is bitching hard to compromise and admit things... but do you see the other thing? I wasn't intentionally writing so, but you can see I am talking about "we" or "us" facing these problemes... and if I think back, each troubled moment I had, I also faced with the support and will of my loved ones, who wanted it to work, just as much as I did. And we did make it work and I am certain we have the capacity to overcome all problems.

What I am trying to tell you reader is that, yes, relationships are hard and yes, being poly has its very own difficulty, but with each problem you overcome, you grow stronger.

It is worth the effort.

Judgement

Yesterday a couple, who I am both friends with, came up to me and asked


Him: "So you are poly-open-somthing?"
Her: "Like, your girlfriend has another boyfriend?"
This seems to have been stuck in them for a while, as it nearly exploded out of them now
Him: "That guy, do you (engage in homosexual things)"
T: "No..."
(Short talk about my sexual preferences - I do not receive nor give in that manner, thank you very much. I was pretty down that day, not having the emotional strength to explain it all, so...)
Her: "So how does it work?"
Me: "Well..."
Him "Well she can sleep with the other guy who can sleep with other guys, but he doesn't sleep with other guys or something like that, right?"
Her: "Oh so like a open relationship?"
Me: "... sure."


And they left, having the same idea of the relationship as they had when they came... it often ends up like this, I have hour-long talks with people and in the end they leave and in their head, they still think "Oh they are sleeping around/open relationship".


Imagine you see a tree. You know it' s a tree, you've seen plenty before.
A Guy walks up to you and tells you this is a new bio-energy-system build in the labs, using solar power to generate energy, so its not a tree, its a solar generator. You still think it' s a tree and if someone asks you, you tell them "Thats a tree - that makes solar power."


Your first judgment sticks.


You will have a hard time explaining to someone who sees a Stripper that it really is just a performance artist' s way of self expression or really just dancing.


Maybe you have been the victim of judgments before? Especially people having a certain look, are quickly put into a spot "Hey emo/hippy/gangster/old timer" regardless if you match that cliché or not, it will stick. If someone meets you the first time in a business suit, they would never expect you to like, let' s say... surfing or hard punk music at first.


Children are far less biased in this area... a child meets something new and explores it, it takes the time to sit down and watch it, to task questions... they will ask you till your sick of it, ask as deep as they can, question after question "Why is the tree here? How does it Grow? Why does the sun shine so the tree grows? Why is it green?" forming a true and unbiased image of the things for themselves. Shaolin Monks and a few other forms of self-finding also carry this behavior: of not judging, of asking and exploring everything anew, something more people should do.




If you consider being open about your poly relationship in public, be ready to have your sexuality, morality and mind judged over and questioned by the people around you... be thankful if they even do, many just gossip behind your back... and prepare yourself... Honestly, print out a quick FAQ, a info graph or handout, it will save you many nerves in situations where you don't feel strong enough to defend and explain yourself, to reach out and try to change a person' s mindset.


written by T