T talks Sex

Sex, making love, fucking, doing it...

We all have slightly different understandings of the word, different emotions connected to it and different understandings of what it means... Sure technically, we all know it means that the sex(es) touch, but emotional different feelings are attached.

Take the time and ask your (potential) partner(s) "What does sex mean to you?"

We are lucky in our poly-something, that we are all very different sexually, yet not so much unlike each other. Some of us like men, some of us are into kinky things, some of us are into other kinky things. Because we have such different ways of "doing it", I for one don't feel jealous, because I know my way of expressing my love is special and one of a kind.

I can't speak for the others, but I'll elaborate my own view of sexuality.

Sex is something intimate and personal, something I could not do with someone I do not like as a person. I've turned down the "drunk, sloppy and slutty" sex more than once, because I cling to my strange view of morals and emotions... I wouldn't enjoy it.

Sex is in the head (no, not like that, pervert). Your brain is by far the most sensitive sexual organ. If you’re going only by physical pleasure, hell, I would be far more effective if you just Do It Yourself. I personally enjoy playing with the mind as much as the body... mentally training someone, for example (always use the same gesture or word when you allow them to orgasm or do something nice, soon that word will also trigger the response) or playing with your fantasy (tell your partner in very fine detail everything you will do to them, talk about how you will enjoy it... and then let them beg for it).

I also reflect all the pleasure of my partner onto myself... as I am not very sensitive, it is rare for me to ever orgasm before or more than my partner, but even if I don't reach the physical highpoint, I am far more satisfied than I would have been achieving dozens of orgasms on my own. When I look down at a partner who is nearly passed out, smiling and panting, I am proud and joyful, both for her and myself.

To achieve that kind of joy in sex, communication is key. We all make mistakes (if a man says he doesn't - run, run and don't look back, girls!), but we can learn from them. I tend to talk about it, after the scene is over, go into detail about what you enjoyed, asking what kind of grip feels best, what she would like more off...

Talking about sex is hard. Even if you just did it, had that moment... for a girl to say "I want you to pull my hair and fuck me like a ****", it takes a lot of trust and intimacy to admit your kinks, but also keep the respect for each other. The fear of losing your partner’s respect when you admit your kinks most likely keeps many girls in doubt if they should admit their desires... the same obviously applies to many men.

Maybe you think that your partner has no hidden desires... Maybe it is true, but I for one know many people who have those desires, especially the kind of "wait till marriage" Christian girls (here I go using clichés), who are very kinky, even shockingly so, but also plagued by guilt... which arouses them even more in their kink. Everyone acts shocked about sex in public, even though they all did worse in their own private time, right?

Sadly, as being poly, you have to face the fact that everyone thinks you did it for the (awesome) sex or some kink thing. It is rare that we have -more-than-two-somes- and no, we don't have any more sex than the average monogamous couple. We most likely have a harder time, since there is no cheating and you need to take the time to explain your relationship to the other person, to inform your other partners and talk about it in detail... and honestly, nearly everyone that even hears pol--- *jumps out the window*.

The typical responses are "I'd be too jealous" from women and those who take the time to actually listen to me explaining that everyone is jealous, but jealousy is based on insecurities and you actually deal with it. Then they continue with "It's just not for me.". It is their choice and I respect that.

Didn't even get the chance to go into detail about the D/s or M/s side of our relationship yet, but that’s something to look forward to, right?

Dedicated to my beloved pet.

Rules

One of our readers wrote in, asking b for some advice, I will be talking about a part of her message:


"....I was wondering if you guys have any rules in your poly relationship to prevent hurt feelings, or feelings of anyone feeling left out or not included..."




As my previous entry maybe made clear... feelings will get hurt, boundaries will be found and extended and things might happen that you could never have planned for. But you can prepare, right?


The first part would be communication, communication and more communication. Something I recently said to bea was the following "Never assume anything". Cultures, mindsets and feelings are all different... women, men, Europeans and Asians, coffee drinkers and book readers, shade lovers and snowmen makers, we are all many things and not one of us is like the other. Even if you love a person for many years, even if you think you know what they think, respect them by talking with them and still asking for what they think.


My grandparents have been married and living with each other for over 60 years now. They still surprise each other! It is so easy to assume you know, so much more easy to think you know that your partner would agree or feel like that and then just go on, instead of seeking to talk about every detail, but you should...


When starting or adding, have a long talk with the new person and ensure that person also has an open talk with your possible other partners or share what you desire to share about your history and who is still important to you. This is one of the big mistakes we stumbled into when getting started... I was unaware there were non-active partners and loved ones, which was quite the shock when it came up.


Start at the very basic. Tell each other who you love in this world, who is important to you and what expectations you have. Really go as far as saying:
"So this is what I think polyamory means and that is in detail what it means for us."


I recommend really going though a "pretend" partnership, both for your new partner and yourself "What if I meet a person in a coffee shop that I like. Can I kiss/flirt with them there, without having to tell them I am poly? Without having to ask for your permission? What if more happens?"


Have your partner describe what he or she thinks about the way either of you can find and engage with others, if it all and how you will manage each other's problems and the conflicts that might be created while living with each other.


Me and b had a long talk about rules... we concluded to stay without, as they don't solve or remove the insecurities that create the desire for such, but I personally would recommend a starting couple to have that talk as well "If we had rules, which ones would it be?" or maybe even set some rules, they give a good framework, a starting point.


With enough communication, love and effort, your relationship can work trhough every problem, all the obstacles you will face on your adventure, and make your bounds even stronger.


Going from my own experience, here are some topics that should be discussed in detail, where you should make clear how important it is to you and what expectations you have.


-What is our relationship, our commitment to each other and our long term ideas?
-How much do we publicly expose this relationship? (Friends, Facebook, Community?)
-In detail, when and for what do you NEED to inform me and what things should only happen with my consent?
-Do we have primary and secondary partners and what the hell does that even mean?
-Finding and suggesting ways to deal with any issues, emotionally (jealousy), physically (no sex due to illness for example) and financially.
-Commiting to openly talking about your feelings, wants and needs.