Exposure...

In terms of exposure and being able to "show off", relationships and sex go hand in hand, don't they? Sex just has a added layer of intimacy:


~With friends: "I sure love my girlfriend"
~with close friends: "And the sex is amazing!"


Maybe it happens for the same reasons... being able to share your joy with others, makes it even better... maybe it enhances your status, maybe it helps your self esteem, maybe your just comparing dick size? Regardless, it is joyful...


However, if you plan to be poly (or have really naughty sex) you have to be careful... very few people will act shocked or question you more, some even not react at all and then gossip about you. I personally think that nearly each person has done more "kinky" things in the bedroom than they pretend to be shocked about in public.


Just keep in mind that not everyone will be able to just share your happiness, many people have the need to judge critically... it is natural and, in my opinion, okay. You can dismiss something as unfit for yourself, for your own person. However, only in rare cases should one judge for others.


I and my partner(s) have choosen to expose ourself and face that critic, infact I do get many weird looks and questions (So you don't take it in the butt? No, I don't!). You have to know for yourself - and discuss with your partners, if your willing to expose yourself like this.

Emotional Outsourcing

To make poly work you need so many diverse emotional skills... you need to be able to put yourself into the mind of others, you need to both be emotionally attuned to your surroundings, but also keep a cold, clear head and think logical, you need to be sensitive, but also have a solid skin...

I doubt any single person has all the skills it needs to understand, know and deal with the many issues of any relationship and partner(s). BUT you are afterall, not alone. Humanity didn't become the dominate kind because we all can do everything, no, we know how to cooperate, to use the skills of those with talent for a goal...


Why not do the same in a relationship?


I personally, rather recently, got stuck - emotionally, logically maybe, about a certain situation and I was unable to see anything but my own viewpoint and only reinforced it. Poor me, life is so horrible and everyone is unfair. B however - once I started to listen - shared her insight, the completly different viewpoint, highlighted with the skills and feelings she has... I am more of a cold thinker, logical to the core, emotionally crippled and distanced... I can tell her when she falls in love with the wrong kind of person... but she can could see me better then I could see myself.

By respecting her words and understanding that she understands things in a different and maybe more accurate way, I found the strength to say "Sorry", a word so hard to say that I'd rather salt my own eyeball.

You are not alone, accept the insight of your partner(s)

Rules

One of our readers wrote in, asking b for some advice, I will be talking about a part of her message:


"....I was wondering if you guys have any rules in your poly relationship to prevent hurt feelings, or feelings of anyone feeling left out or not included..."




As my previous entry maybe made clear... feelings will get hurt, boundaries will be found and extended and things might happen that you could never have planned for. But you can prepare, right?


The first part would be communication, communication and more communication. Something I recently said to bea was the following "Never assume anything". Cultures, mindsets and feelings are all different... women, men, Europeans and Asians, coffee drinkers and book readers, shade lovers and snowmen makers, we are all many things and not one of us is like the other. Even if you love a person for many years, even if you think you know what they think, respect them by talking with them and still asking for what they think.


My grandparents have been married and living with each other for over 60 years now. They still surprise each other! It is so easy to assume you know, so much more easy to think you know that your partner would agree or feel like that and then just go on, instead of seeking to talk about every detail, but you should...


When starting or adding, have a long talk with the new person and ensure that person also has an open talk with your possible other partners or share what you desire to share about your history and who is still important to you. This is one of the big mistakes we stumbled into when getting started... I was unaware there were non-active partners and loved ones, which was quite the shock when it came up.


Start at the very basic. Tell each other who you love in this world, who is important to you and what expectations you have. Really go as far as saying:
"So this is what I think polyamory means and that is in detail what it means for us."


I recommend really going though a "pretend" partnership, both for your new partner and yourself "What if I meet a person in a coffee shop that I like. Can I kiss/flirt with them there, without having to tell them I am poly? Without having to ask for your permission? What if more happens?"


Have your partner describe what he or she thinks about the way either of you can find and engage with others, if it all and how you will manage each other's problems and the conflicts that might be created while living with each other.


Me and b had a long talk about rules... we concluded to stay without, as they don't solve or remove the insecurities that create the desire for such, but I personally would recommend a starting couple to have that talk as well "If we had rules, which ones would it be?" or maybe even set some rules, they give a good framework, a starting point.


With enough communication, love and effort, your relationship can work trhough every problem, all the obstacles you will face on your adventure, and make your bounds even stronger.


Going from my own experience, here are some topics that should be discussed in detail, where you should make clear how important it is to you and what expectations you have.


-What is our relationship, our commitment to each other and our long term ideas?
-How much do we publicly expose this relationship? (Friends, Facebook, Community?)
-In detail, when and for what do you NEED to inform me and what things should only happen with my consent?
-Do we have primary and secondary partners and what the hell does that even mean?
-Finding and suggesting ways to deal with any issues, emotionally (jealousy), physically (no sex due to illness for example) and financially.
-Commiting to openly talking about your feelings, wants and needs.

Expectations & Reality

I never had any experience with polyamory before going into this relationship... sure, I've been in "easy/open" relationships, but this was a huge experiment for all of us. If you never had such a relationship, you might be along the same line of though... so hey, lets compare!

Starting this, I thought something like:

"Oh we will all be perfect lovers/friends and share our happiness."
"I will not get hurt by being cheated on or lied to."
"I will have the possibility to find others, should I desire so."
"So much kinky sex!"

Soon however, these ideas clash with reality... and while they still work, it just takes serious effort... being poly is hard! Just as every other kind of relationship...

"We have to compromise, share our time and sometimes have to fight for our "me" time. We do not all think equally about all subjects and have to make deals."
"Stating the truth of what you feel is painful, hearing the truth about certain things can be painful, too"
"We have to face the reality of our partners choices or wishes for others and discuss and deal with them."
"We have to respect the physical limitations and needs of all our partners and their partners"

As you see, it is not easy, in fact it is bitching hard to compromise and admit things... but do you see the other thing? I wasn't intentionally writing so, but you can see I am talking about "we" or "us" facing these problemes... and if I think back, each troubled moment I had, I also faced with the support and will of my loved ones, who wanted it to work, just as much as I did. And we did make it work and I am certain we have the capacity to overcome all problems.

What I am trying to tell you reader is that, yes, relationships are hard and yes, being poly has its very own difficulty, but with each problem you overcome, you grow stronger.

It is worth the effort.

Judgement

Yesterday a couple, who I am both friends with, came up to me and asked


Him: "So you are poly-open-somthing?"
Her: "Like, your girlfriend has another boyfriend?"
This seems to have been stuck in them for a while, as it nearly exploded out of them now
Him: "That guy, do you (engage in homosexual things)"
T: "No..."
(Short talk about my sexual preferences - I do not receive nor give in that manner, thank you very much. I was pretty down that day, not having the emotional strength to explain it all, so...)
Her: "So how does it work?"
Me: "Well..."
Him "Well she can sleep with the other guy who can sleep with other guys, but he doesn't sleep with other guys or something like that, right?"
Her: "Oh so like a open relationship?"
Me: "... sure."


And they left, having the same idea of the relationship as they had when they came... it often ends up like this, I have hour-long talks with people and in the end they leave and in their head, they still think "Oh they are sleeping around/open relationship".


Imagine you see a tree. You know it' s a tree, you've seen plenty before.
A Guy walks up to you and tells you this is a new bio-energy-system build in the labs, using solar power to generate energy, so its not a tree, its a solar generator. You still think it' s a tree and if someone asks you, you tell them "Thats a tree - that makes solar power."


Your first judgment sticks.


You will have a hard time explaining to someone who sees a Stripper that it really is just a performance artist' s way of self expression or really just dancing.


Maybe you have been the victim of judgments before? Especially people having a certain look, are quickly put into a spot "Hey emo/hippy/gangster/old timer" regardless if you match that cliché or not, it will stick. If someone meets you the first time in a business suit, they would never expect you to like, let' s say... surfing or hard punk music at first.


Children are far less biased in this area... a child meets something new and explores it, it takes the time to sit down and watch it, to task questions... they will ask you till your sick of it, ask as deep as they can, question after question "Why is the tree here? How does it Grow? Why does the sun shine so the tree grows? Why is it green?" forming a true and unbiased image of the things for themselves. Shaolin Monks and a few other forms of self-finding also carry this behavior: of not judging, of asking and exploring everything anew, something more people should do.




If you consider being open about your poly relationship in public, be ready to have your sexuality, morality and mind judged over and questioned by the people around you... be thankful if they even do, many just gossip behind your back... and prepare yourself... Honestly, print out a quick FAQ, a info graph or handout, it will save you many nerves in situations where you don't feel strong enough to defend and explain yourself, to reach out and try to change a person' s mindset.


written by T

Galileo wore a red dress

The red dress is a gift I gave to b, one that is quite inviting to the eye, some might call it exposing. Still she wears it with pride and a bright blush and in many ways, the same is true for our relationship and how it is displayed to our fellow human. Beautiful, but yet it may still shock people… some feel morally offended, some smile and enjoy what they see. When a girl holds hands with two boys, kissing both... she wears the bright red dress, draws eyes and thoughts, judgment and opinions.

B once asked me if I feel bad when we ... shock people, with wearing our red dress- mainly not hiding what makes us happy. We should not need to hide what brings us joy, as it is nothing bad, nothing shameful one should hide.

No, I don’t feel bad, I in fact think it is a kind of service to them and us, challenging the observers worldview to think about what he is seeing, to explain to himself how those people can smile so brightly, can be so filed with joy while doing something that they might consider bad... maybe, so I hope, it makes them think why they consider it bad or good.

Maybe, it makes the viewer think why he views things how they are, is it truly his own opinion, based on experiences or does he repeat what the media, parents and society at large imprinted in him? Following, repeating and copying is a basic and strong survival instinct, it is what we and many animals do from the moment we see the world of the light. But humanity has moved on beyond the basic needs of survival, not by endlessly repeating the actions, mindsets and thoughts of the time before us, but by innovation, by trying, by failing and keeping going.

Many innovators, many geniuses of our time have been mocked, haunted, laughed and hated by their society at the time. They also had the red dress, had to expose themselves and there ideas, face the judgment of the people: "The world is round? You are mad my man! You think man can fly, like birds? The gods themselves will smite you down for your stupidity!". I however do not desire to claim that all experiments are good, but one might argue that it was worth trying.

"How do you make good choices? Experience! How do you get experience? Bad choices."

Our lives where improved by these proud man and woman, putting on there red dress, showing themself, some passing without ever knowing that they changed the future and the lives of countless people. How would humanity have advanced if its mind was more open? What if the church had promoted a different view, what if instead of the Dark Age, the loss of knowledge, a lifestyle of openness and innovation would have ruled? If every man and woman would have been granted the chance to life out there inspirations?

I do not know, but I know there are always those who dare and those who don't. Both profit the benefits of the innovations, the same kind of people who would not believe in medical operations, because everyone knew that only god could heal you from your punishment, now enjoy a longer life to judge and critic others with, while not daring to do the same.

Do you dare to wear your red dress?

T Talks

T here, fair warning, this is just me talking about life, no polyamory focus.
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Valentine


So it's Valentines day, commercial exploit spread over the world viva marketing... or is it a special day to show someone you like that you well, do so? A excuse to gift a rose?


I for one simply took it as a opportunity... I gifted some roses, you see... and a kiss. The first rose was given to a stranger, a woman I've never meet before or known. Poor girls name is "billig" which is German for "Cheap"... you can imagine the many poor puns she had to endure in her life... she was working as a cash lady in a super market where I bought her rose and two more.


I gave it to her, giving that lady a smile as bright as the sun "Did you see that? Look!" she spoke with a warmth in her voice, displaying the rose proudly. That alone makes the day worth being around in my opinion... giving a smile like that makes me feel so much better, too.


It was sort of like giving a rose for B... I just couldn't give it to her, but you know... maybe giving it to the universe at large will have it returned to B in another positive way.


The next two where given to two girlfriends... one is engaged, the other single, but way to young for me anyway (legally it'd be fine, but I would feel like a pedo bear). Even if it might be hard for some people to believe, I do enjoy giving without special motives... well it makes me happy, thats selfish enough afterall.


The kiss I won't go into detail about, privacy and all.


I bought one last rose for another person, so I gave 4 little flowers, let them bleed there life away for our amusement. Now I'm addressing some people online who I know have it hard on this day, I hated it when I was still single and easing it for those who where like me just feels right.
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The Story of the old Lady


Among the bus I ride there is a bus stop. This bus stop is a bit off, hard to see, often covered in thick fog, a little run down... and often overlooked. More then once the bus drove past someone standing in there, namely a young girl.


This young girl seems to have a grandmother... a study build, most likely in her 70-80's Lady. Each single day she stands at this bus stop, wearing a bright green jacket and makes sure the bus stops to take everyone there with it... only once every child has entered and the bus left, she departs again.


For more then 6 years she has done this now, without fail, ensuring the young girl gets to where she needs to go to, in time. Sometimes if the fog is thick she brings a flashlight and sometimes if it rains there is a umbrella...


I can't say what the lesson is or "the point", but I felt like sharing it with you, the Story of the amazing, lovely, old Lady.


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Being Social?


Holy crap, I'm like, famous. People want to hang out with me all the time and honest to god, it is exhausting...


Now to elaborate, maybe the personality type INTJ means something to you, maybe not. It generally matches me somewhat accurately, being a introverted thinker that is more focused on the big idea then the small details. I enjoy being... "alone" a lot, of course not all the time, but it has its own values... just to think, just be, just listen to the quite interesting voices in my head...


Now when I'm with people, I feel a bit pressured... to do this, to do that, you have to keep your eyes open, read all the subtle emotions, gestures, unspoken words... and goddammit people, especially you ladies, you are just not logical! I mean the one moment I can already figure out what the next sentence your going to say is going to be before you open your lips, the next your all emotional and illogical.


Now people want to talk to me, hang out, want me to go places... and yes, I like that, but I also like saying "No, I'd rather sit alone in my room and do nothing" without feeling like I'm hurting peoples feeling... then again, getting to the point where they understand shouldn't be as hard as it is...


You know, I really thought I was going somewhere with this ranting, but I'm not. To cut it short, give me my space people, truly It is just how I roll.


Happy Valentine's Day