28 March 2010

This time Mr. Monogamy doesn't win

I’m standing still, staring at the monitor. My fingers feel cramped.
My eyes see the lines of our chat sliding while you write, but the brain doesn’t record the words that are trying to reach me like an annoying background noise on the side of my eye.
A sudden drop of attention. It can happen, especially to me when I’m forced to listen to a boring talk. Or when I’m tired. Or when what I feel hurts me and I try to push it aside.
If you were here, you would be explaining to me that our relationship has to change because you’re unhappy like this, because when you love somebody you don’t need anyone else, bla, bla,   bla...
Need. As if people got together for need...Bullshit! What does that mean? It’s clear that I don’t need others, I don’t need you, what’s the meaning of that? I’m with you because I like you, not because I NEED you... As usual I’m not listening, I dissect the words and their use, dodging their meaning, pretending that I’m listening. Or maybe I’m listening, but pretending I’m not. I’m not here. I forgot what I feel. It hurts too much.

“Please, don’t leave me” cries the little girl inside me, curled up on her stomach.
Yes, yes, it’s all right, I knew this would happen, sooner or later. It’s just...I was hoping for the “later”. I didn’t realize that, for you, the time for us to part ways had arrived a long time ago. I’m brooding over “what I did wrong”... I should have given you more attentions, listening to you more, visiting you more. Who knows, maybe if I concentrated on you more I would have lengthened our time together, maybe I would have gained some more of your free week-ends, if you would have had any more. But I was selfish and I had little time and energy to dedicate to you. I’m not good enough at listening to and understanding the needs of the people I love, yet .  
You, however, explained even too clearly what your needs are: you can’t be with a girl that will not give up other men for you.

Would giving up Moreno for you make me happy? No, I would be losing two people I love at once, since I would end up hating you and feeling trapped. Once again I’m divided between the usual dilemma: is it me that’s not [insert adjective here] enough for you, or is it you the idiot that’s rejecting me because he doesn’t understand? Because he wants to control and shackle me?
It’s useless trying anymore: I’m poly, you’re mono. End of line.

Most of the people, out there, doesn’t even know people like us exists. The few who are trying to be informed, get distorted information from ironic jokes, and prejudices, or they filter that themselves, in an interpretative bricolage given by their own mindset. So the general opinion on polyamory is that it’s a momentary, strange trend, or a modern way to be a slut without problems.

Anyway, what comes through is the “recreational” aspect of being poly, which cannot be considered a serious way of loving and being committed in a relationship! Nobody among this stock of geniouses ever thought about the fact that in a relationship with multilple partners the investment of emotions and energies, and consequently of stress, are multiplied for the number of existing relationships, and so there's really not any fucking “recreational” aspect. Maybe poly people don’t suffer when they split up? What am I complaining about? For every guy that leaves me there there is another one ready to comfort me, right?

No way, I have no idea where to turn to.
“So you’re leaving me...it’s over.”
“Well, leaving...we never really where ‘together’..how do you leave somebody you were never together to begin with?” These are the usual play on words to bring back on earth the fairytales princess, reminder of the fact that we’re not a sweet couple, we never got officially engaged like the classical mono couples. Wake up! You never were my prince charming on a white steed, and horses stink anyway. We, for what concerned you, never existed. How convenient. Do you really believe it, when you say it? Do you rehearse saying it out loud, in front of the mirror in your bedroom, to convince yourself? Of course, you have a mirror in the bathroom only, sorry!

But I noticed how you look at me. You’re not gonna trick me, my dear. I know that the feeling we’re feeling are real, I didn’t make up mine. And neither did you. Can you really turn on and off your love whenever you like, just like flipping a switch? I know I can’t. I can’t close the tap of feelings and emotions that are flowing in and out of me, flooding the room when you’re here. Even when you’re not here. That, is my problem.

And also...if we’re not together, why would we need to change our relationship?
I’m trying to shake myself up, to ease the rage and understand, at a “technical” level, what means being “friends only”. What changes will ensue? I need a sign that you’ll still want to talk to me and that you’ll still care about me. But you’re elusive: you’re exhausted, feverish, and you look a little like an idiot. You want to go to sleep now that you’ve launched this bomb, and leave me alone with my fears.
We’ll talk later.

All I can get from you is a vague “no more sex and such”.  Ok, absorbment  phase: I minimize with stupid jokes, while my brain makes count of which memories of you shall I keep and which shall I flush down the toilet. But I can’t throw anything away. Shit...I close my eyes and I see myself again stuck on a hospital bed, fresh from a surgery, just out from anestesy, with a dry throat.
An hand genly puts a weth cloth on my lips and I suck it avidly, still half asleep. A light laugh comes from you, “hey, easy!”, you retreat the hand and you lightheartedly make fun of me.
I open my eyes.

My throat is dry but you’re not here. I’m alone in a little room packed of stuff, pieces of me that I drag around trying not to forget who I am and try not to fall apart.

We cheer and it’s time to go to bed.
I turn uselessly on the bed: sleep doesn’t come. Bad thoughts go adrift in my mind, gripping on rafts of doubts and obsessions. I need to choose. Choose. Choose if I, am the “wrong” one, or if you are.
I get the phone.

I could insult you, tell you to fuck yourself like I did with other monogamous idiots.
Instead I want to beg, despair, to do something extreme. Scream. I think about the past. I think about how much being emotional ended up separating me from the others and isolate me. No, I give up the thought. Better not make stupid mistakes. I set the phone down and turn around.
The little girl is still there, she occupies all the space on my bed.
She adjusts a brace of her salopette pajamas, she snuffles, she sulks.
“I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody. It’s better to be alone anyway.” But tears are welling up in her eyes and she sinks her head in the pillow trying to stop thinking.

Being alone is disgusting.

The sympathy and love of Moreno hardly gets to me: “Would you like me to call you?”.  I look at the reflexes on the ceiling, I dry off the tears. I listen to the city and myself.
Letting him call me...crying on the phone with him for someone else? I can’t do it anymore. Ok being “open”, but unloading on him all my shit does certanly not stabilize our relationship. I already made this mistake in the past and I was even scolded for that later.
I say thanks but no, goodnight my love, I isolate, I turn around the pillow on the dry side and try again. I sweat, undress, shiver, dress up again. I chat a little. I let steam off with a monogamous friend, whom doesn’t have a clue, he can only tell me that my lifestyle won’t make me happy, and that sooner or later everybody will leave me.

“Even this Moreno, now he is at your side, but for how long?”.
“Fuck you!”. Defrag your brain, evil owl...

For how long? How long? When somebody foretells you that you’ll feel bad, you never know what to believe: if they fear it, or if they hope it, down below, just to feel better than you.
I try to sleep again, but it doesn’t work. The world is upside down and I don’t have a lifejacket.
I’m letting myself go...
In the end I text you. I don’t insult nor do I beg you, but I send you some of my despair. I’m too deep in love to convince myself that you don’t care for me at all, so I point for my other option: feeling inadequate and apologizing to you. Apologizing, yes, but about what? About existing? About not being as you want me? About not self-castrating me just to have the honour of being of your property? I’m getting more and more angry. Arched back and clamped mouth, head on the pillow. My body riots. I don’t have to apologize for who I am! The night goes by between nightmares full of people that abandon me and social workers that take my kids away because I have an “immoral lifestyle”...
The morning after my stress and uneasyness are skyrocketing, self confidence and enthusiasm are at their historical minimum.

Then your message comes:”Stupid girl you know that you’re wonderful”, it’s just that we’re different as you explain to me. Of course, of course...but the result is always the same, I lose you. 
“Well if seeing each other and not having sex means losing each other...”
A little hope...Friendship? True friendship, not that you stop calling me?
None of us two is wrong, then? We’re just DIFFERENT?
I needed you to understand it. Here is the third option I didn’t consider.
And you put me in front of it.

Then, friends!

...as soon as I understand how it works...

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