06 June 2012

Don't fight the inner poly

First fights are always memorable, and they're also very revealing. They're as telling as your first kiss or your first fuck. People is completely diverse at fighting and curtains won't always match the tapestry. Some people who's calm will come at you yelling with fists in the air, while some who're really loud will merely give you a sullen look and a deadly silence. Some people will fight to the last man while some will be willing to negotiate from the very beginning (my heart goes out to the latter, of course). Partners should always ask themselves first and foremost what the point is, what they're meaning to defend and what they're willing to forgo:
  • I just can't believe you would do that!
  • I'm sorry, I didn't know it bothered you so much, I'll never do it again.
  • Oh... ok, and well, if you cold stop doing this other thingie...
  • No way, are you nutts? Fuck you for asking me such a thing!

So what happens when poly people fight? Well, poly people will fight just like normal people, i guess, they will go to war or just have a few jabs at each other, or take hostages and what not, the issue isn't so much the one-on-one. This meaning that if you relate with your partner but don't relate to his or her partners, you'll have yourself a pretty lame show (and this is good, don't get me wrong).

When they're a network, however, a triad or a quad... Oh that's a whole different game. When you're in active relationship with any of the other partners, when you either relate with them amiably, or you're even involved with them in some way, that'll multiply the complexity of the affair exponentialy.

So, this is of course not about network relationship's fights in general, it's merely about what it's like to fight with B. Now, just like two weeks ago I couldn't have been able to conceive myself in the middle of a poly relationship (and a network one at that), just one week ago, I could have never imagined myself actually fighting with B. Well, it was dumb to assume it was impossible, I just didn't exactly know how it could play out. Like with many other things about her, it's been a bit surprising.

Let me say that this event is brought to you Live by the Association of Love Flavoured Ice Tea. Where there's love, there's Ice Tea. This show is sponsored by Talk to your partner and Make-up sex Condoms: When it's time to stop fighting, it's time to start the revolution. Back to the ongoing fight between Léu and B.

The actual reason of our fight, my dear readers, is none of your damn business. Or spelled differently, I'll write about that later. Suffice it to say that the fight is happening in the worst scenario imaginable, with B on vacations with L. That's right, she's on a romantic trip and I had the touch to put in a quarrel just in the middle of everything—hate me for eternity, people, for I have no heart whatsoever. Furthermore, they're in fucking Paris. I know that if I had a single fan left, that was the door closing shut after him.

The second interesting aspect to this fight is of course the consequences of all this: Poor to no communication, impossibility of presence unless I took an airplane right now (it's not lack of romanticism, I've thought about it), trying to fix it over the Internet, shitty Skype, and of course, my two beloved partners being able to think of a quadrillion better things to do in Paris than fighting with me!

And here's where the poly really kicks in. A poly fight when you're in a triad or more, is kinda like fighting with your girlfriend when you live at a students house. Before you know it, best-friends-forever will be knocking at your door, and they mean business. They say they wanna help and they do, but it's not only your best interests they keep at heart but your parnter's and theirs as well, a torn house affects them as much as it will affect you and your partner. You will have to include them, for they are technically already neck-deep.

You negotiate. It's a mini United Nations model, I give you back the territories taken during the war of 73' but i gotta show my voters something, so what have you got? I talk to L, he talks to B, B talks to M, M comes to me, “what's it gonna be?” I consult with L who's walking with B along the Champs-Élisées. And B, she's keeping me in the cold, dark waiting room, I can't have a meeting with her, a chat, link, phone call or otherwise, we haven't spoken even to actually quarrel verbally, like mankind has ever since the day insults were invented.

Just for the record, I don't like to fight. I think it's pointless, stressing and not even that much fun (thought this depends on who you fight with). I would like to leave it all behind as soon as possible, but B's taking her time and I must give it to her, time and space kinda being what this fight is all about, and I must preach with my example.

Weather I'm getting floored or not, I really can't tell: Poly fights more than any other should end up in civil discussions, mutual agreements and joyful polymers. Whether I'll actually get to talk to B before the second coming of the Christ—and whether that will solve anything at all—is still to be seen.

I'm Léu and I miss her like hell,
Feisty Polymeres to you too!


  1. "Well, poly people will fight just like normal people"
    If I didn't already know my dinosaur is all but normal I would get pretty scared by reading that sentence.

    1. Semantics, schmemantics, Mwa. It all comes down to:

      1. "Poly is something I am" VS "Poly is something I do". E.g.,
      "For me, polyamory is not an identity. It’s not something I am, but something I do."
      "For me, polyamory is not a lifestyle, it’s an orientation. Poly isn’t something I “do,” it is something I “am.”"

      2. "Normal people" as in "mononormativity". NOT as in "Ready, normal people?" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kV7ou6pl5wU) Think "root mean square people".
      E.g., cfr. http://non-monodiscourse.blogspot.it/2011/04/reflections-on-mono-normativity.html

      3. I'm flattered that you consider me "all but normal". <3

      Your friendly neighbourhood Polysaur

    2. =.= too bad, you promised me a brand new answer, and all you did was reposting your 5-minute-ago skype one on here.

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  3. Oh oh, comments, wow, I hadn't seen these, sorry... so glad there's comments though *____*...

    I didn't get them though... This is a comment that involves a dinosaur...