Operational Distance

Just sharing a little something I learned for myself...


Me and B work perfectly with each other when we talk and can touch us... so many things are unspoken, yet understood and I can show my love in many ways... but when we are separated by long distance, we fail to communicate equally well.

You might encounter this yourself if you hold relationships with people over long distance... being in person is always greatly different then being in person... I have people I enjoy greatly online, exchanging jokes, wisdom and advise, yet are nearly unbearable in person... so it goes both ways.

Ready for POLYDAYS!

Lately I've been trying to blog, but i found myself stuck.

I have zillions of drafts dated before Pleistocene that should be corrected and published, or at least i should translate the older posts. I'd really like you guys to know how I spent Carnival with Thomas, or how're my studies going, or tell you about my new “crushes”, but for a reason or the other, i always end up delaying.

So I ended up accumulating a huge backlog of posts, and I don't know if or when I'll be able to publish everything. It's the story of my life: I've never been able to deliver my drawings in time at the high school, except for when I stayed up untill late the night before.

I' m not even able to respect the bottom lines i set up for myself, and I'm always late at dates. It's a reality, unfortunately...

Not only blog posts, but even important decisions will be delayed untill september.

Now I just want to enjoy my holidays with Moreno, just like i enjoyed my brief trip to Bavaria last week. I'll blog about it too, sooner or later...

I want to spend time with the people I love, without planning things too much.

After september exam session, I'll be able to take a breath and relax a bit, but I'll also have to decide what to do with my poly-life: what to keep and what to “throw away” of these last months, how to behave with some people I like, and how to protect ourselves from our detractors (and we're starting to have a lot of them... so it means we're doing an excellent job!).

I'm actually dating 6 persons in total, be them lovers, friends with benefits, or life-long partners. And it's a very big number for me. I'm not sure i can dedicate the right amount of time/energy to everyone, and I don't want this people to be unhappy. But I also don't want my lovelife to take time and energies from other aspects of my life.

Love should add energies to our lives, not take them away!

There's also another person i'm starting to like, but for now everything is just so vague!

I don't know if I'm liked back and if I'm strong enough to accept a refusal, and even if i was, I don't know if I'll be able to give enough to this person, be it as friend, lover, partner or wathever. I don't even know what their expectation could be on “us”.

But we're getting to know each other for now, and it feels good.

I'm sure the future will tell us the answers we need.

Considering how am I “special” at socializing, it's already a miracle that I'm able to actually *talk* to someone I like, so everything else is coming will be more than welcome!

I want to reassure our readers: if you don't hear from us, it means that our life satisfies us and it's full of interesting things that distract us from blogging, so we're happy!

In these months we've been through wonderful moments and others more problematic ones, and now we can finally take a relieving sigh.

We've had to cope with some unpleasant people, people that, unsatisfied of their own lives, were trying to make us feel unfit, just as much as they are.

But obviously their attempts failed miserably, and we know now that what makes us strong, besides the fact that we're so united, os our will to never compromise about whart we are.

We always try to be ourselves, no matter if we'll be judged for that.

I've found myself feeling compassion instead of hate for that people that judge us and that clearly fear people's judgement.

They keep lying, they keep trying to look like what their listener mostly likes, but in the end nobody really knows them, nodoby trust them, no one can love them or get close to them.

To shield themeselves from society, they lose themselves. They're not individuals anymore. They can look good, even polite and nice to others or well-educated, but in the end they're just empty shells.

I keep having the feeling that certain people put themselves in a cage, and i can't do anything to help them open their eyes. All i can do is hear their silent scream coming from deep within.

So I've decided to stop thinking of them too much, and I want to take care of people that love me as I am instead.

That's all for now, enjoy your Polydays, I surely will!! :*

b

T talks Sex

Sex, making love, fucking, doing it...

We all have slightly different understandings of the word, different emotions connected to it and different understandings of what it means... Sure technically, we all know it means that the sex(es) touch, but emotional different feelings are attached.

Take the time and ask your (potential) partner(s) "What does sex mean to you?"

We are lucky in our poly-something, that we are all very different sexually, yet not so much unlike each other. Some of us like men, some of us are into kinky things, some of us are into other kinky things. Because we have such different ways of "doing it", I for one don't feel jealous, because I know my way of expressing my love is special and one of a kind.

I can't speak for the others, but I'll elaborate my own view of sexuality.

Sex is something intimate and personal, something I could not do with someone I do not like as a person. I've turned down the "drunk, sloppy and slutty" sex more than once, because I cling to my strange view of morals and emotions... I wouldn't enjoy it.

Sex is in the head (no, not like that, pervert). Your brain is by far the most sensitive sexual organ. If you’re going only by physical pleasure, hell, I would be far more effective if you just Do It Yourself. I personally enjoy playing with the mind as much as the body... mentally training someone, for example (always use the same gesture or word when you allow them to orgasm or do something nice, soon that word will also trigger the response) or playing with your fantasy (tell your partner in very fine detail everything you will do to them, talk about how you will enjoy it... and then let them beg for it).

I also reflect all the pleasure of my partner onto myself... as I am not very sensitive, it is rare for me to ever orgasm before or more than my partner, but even if I don't reach the physical highpoint, I am far more satisfied than I would have been achieving dozens of orgasms on my own. When I look down at a partner who is nearly passed out, smiling and panting, I am proud and joyful, both for her and myself.

To achieve that kind of joy in sex, communication is key. We all make mistakes (if a man says he doesn't - run, run and don't look back, girls!), but we can learn from them. I tend to talk about it, after the scene is over, go into detail about what you enjoyed, asking what kind of grip feels best, what she would like more off...

Talking about sex is hard. Even if you just did it, had that moment... for a girl to say "I want you to pull my hair and fuck me like a ****", it takes a lot of trust and intimacy to admit your kinks, but also keep the respect for each other. The fear of losing your partner’s respect when you admit your kinks most likely keeps many girls in doubt if they should admit their desires... the same obviously applies to many men.

Maybe you think that your partner has no hidden desires... Maybe it is true, but I for one know many people who have those desires, especially the kind of "wait till marriage" Christian girls (here I go using clichés), who are very kinky, even shockingly so, but also plagued by guilt... which arouses them even more in their kink. Everyone acts shocked about sex in public, even though they all did worse in their own private time, right?

Sadly, as being poly, you have to face the fact that everyone thinks you did it for the (awesome) sex or some kink thing. It is rare that we have -more-than-two-somes- and no, we don't have any more sex than the average monogamous couple. We most likely have a harder time, since there is no cheating and you need to take the time to explain your relationship to the other person, to inform your other partners and talk about it in detail... and honestly, nearly everyone that even hears pol--- *jumps out the window*.

The typical responses are "I'd be too jealous" from women and those who take the time to actually listen to me explaining that everyone is jealous, but jealousy is based on insecurities and you actually deal with it. Then they continue with "It's just not for me.". It is their choice and I respect that.

Didn't even get the chance to go into detail about the D/s or M/s side of our relationship yet, but that’s something to look forward to, right?

Dedicated to my beloved pet.

Exposure...

In terms of exposure and being able to "show off", relationships and sex go hand in hand, don't they? Sex just has a added layer of intimacy:


~With friends: "I sure love my girlfriend"
~with close friends: "And the sex is amazing!"


Maybe it happens for the same reasons... being able to share your joy with others, makes it even better... maybe it enhances your status, maybe it helps your self esteem, maybe your just comparing dick size? Regardless, it is joyful...


However, if you plan to be poly (or have really naughty sex) you have to be careful... very few people will act shocked or question you more, some even not react at all and then gossip about you. I personally think that nearly each person has done more "kinky" things in the bedroom than they pretend to be shocked about in public.


Just keep in mind that not everyone will be able to just share your happiness, many people have the need to judge critically... it is natural and, in my opinion, okay. You can dismiss something as unfit for yourself, for your own person. However, only in rare cases should one judge for others.


I and my partner(s) have choosen to expose ourself and face that critic, infact I do get many weird looks and questions (So you don't take it in the butt? No, I don't!). You have to know for yourself - and discuss with your partners, if your willing to expose yourself like this.

Emotional Outsourcing

To make poly work you need so many diverse emotional skills... you need to be able to put yourself into the mind of others, you need to both be emotionally attuned to your surroundings, but also keep a cold, clear head and think logical, you need to be sensitive, but also have a solid skin...

I doubt any single person has all the skills it needs to understand, know and deal with the many issues of any relationship and partner(s). BUT you are afterall, not alone. Humanity didn't become the dominate kind because we all can do everything, no, we know how to cooperate, to use the skills of those with talent for a goal...


Why not do the same in a relationship?


I personally, rather recently, got stuck - emotionally, logically maybe, about a certain situation and I was unable to see anything but my own viewpoint and only reinforced it. Poor me, life is so horrible and everyone is unfair. B however - once I started to listen - shared her insight, the completly different viewpoint, highlighted with the skills and feelings she has... I am more of a cold thinker, logical to the core, emotionally crippled and distanced... I can tell her when she falls in love with the wrong kind of person... but she can could see me better then I could see myself.

By respecting her words and understanding that she understands things in a different and maybe more accurate way, I found the strength to say "Sorry", a word so hard to say that I'd rather salt my own eyeball.

You are not alone, accept the insight of your partner(s)

Rules

One of our readers wrote in, asking b for some advice, I will be talking about a part of her message:


"....I was wondering if you guys have any rules in your poly relationship to prevent hurt feelings, or feelings of anyone feeling left out or not included..."




As my previous entry maybe made clear... feelings will get hurt, boundaries will be found and extended and things might happen that you could never have planned for. But you can prepare, right?


The first part would be communication, communication and more communication. Something I recently said to bea was the following "Never assume anything". Cultures, mindsets and feelings are all different... women, men, Europeans and Asians, coffee drinkers and book readers, shade lovers and snowmen makers, we are all many things and not one of us is like the other. Even if you love a person for many years, even if you think you know what they think, respect them by talking with them and still asking for what they think.


My grandparents have been married and living with each other for over 60 years now. They still surprise each other! It is so easy to assume you know, so much more easy to think you know that your partner would agree or feel like that and then just go on, instead of seeking to talk about every detail, but you should...


When starting or adding, have a long talk with the new person and ensure that person also has an open talk with your possible other partners or share what you desire to share about your history and who is still important to you. This is one of the big mistakes we stumbled into when getting started... I was unaware there were non-active partners and loved ones, which was quite the shock when it came up.


Start at the very basic. Tell each other who you love in this world, who is important to you and what expectations you have. Really go as far as saying:
"So this is what I think polyamory means and that is in detail what it means for us."


I recommend really going though a "pretend" partnership, both for your new partner and yourself "What if I meet a person in a coffee shop that I like. Can I kiss/flirt with them there, without having to tell them I am poly? Without having to ask for your permission? What if more happens?"


Have your partner describe what he or she thinks about the way either of you can find and engage with others, if it all and how you will manage each other's problems and the conflicts that might be created while living with each other.


Me and b had a long talk about rules... we concluded to stay without, as they don't solve or remove the insecurities that create the desire for such, but I personally would recommend a starting couple to have that talk as well "If we had rules, which ones would it be?" or maybe even set some rules, they give a good framework, a starting point.


With enough communication, love and effort, your relationship can work trhough every problem, all the obstacles you will face on your adventure, and make your bounds even stronger.


Going from my own experience, here are some topics that should be discussed in detail, where you should make clear how important it is to you and what expectations you have.


-What is our relationship, our commitment to each other and our long term ideas?
-How much do we publicly expose this relationship? (Friends, Facebook, Community?)
-In detail, when and for what do you NEED to inform me and what things should only happen with my consent?
-Do we have primary and secondary partners and what the hell does that even mean?
-Finding and suggesting ways to deal with any issues, emotionally (jealousy), physically (no sex due to illness for example) and financially.
-Commiting to openly talking about your feelings, wants and needs.

Expectations & Reality

I never had any experience with polyamory before going into this relationship... sure, I've been in "easy/open" relationships, but this was a huge experiment for all of us. If you never had such a relationship, you might be along the same line of though... so hey, lets compare!

Starting this, I thought something like:

"Oh we will all be perfect lovers/friends and share our happiness."
"I will not get hurt by being cheated on or lied to."
"I will have the possibility to find others, should I desire so."
"So much kinky sex!"

Soon however, these ideas clash with reality... and while they still work, it just takes serious effort... being poly is hard! Just as every other kind of relationship...

"We have to compromise, share our time and sometimes have to fight for our "me" time. We do not all think equally about all subjects and have to make deals."
"Stating the truth of what you feel is painful, hearing the truth about certain things can be painful, too"
"We have to face the reality of our partners choices or wishes for others and discuss and deal with them."
"We have to respect the physical limitations and needs of all our partners and their partners"

As you see, it is not easy, in fact it is bitching hard to compromise and admit things... but do you see the other thing? I wasn't intentionally writing so, but you can see I am talking about "we" or "us" facing these problemes... and if I think back, each troubled moment I had, I also faced with the support and will of my loved ones, who wanted it to work, just as much as I did. And we did make it work and I am certain we have the capacity to overcome all problems.

What I am trying to tell you reader is that, yes, relationships are hard and yes, being poly has its very own difficulty, but with each problem you overcome, you grow stronger.

It is worth the effort.

Judgement

Yesterday a couple, who I am both friends with, came up to me and asked


Him: "So you are poly-open-somthing?"
Her: "Like, your girlfriend has another boyfriend?"
This seems to have been stuck in them for a while, as it nearly exploded out of them now
Him: "That guy, do you (engage in homosexual things)"
T: "No..."
(Short talk about my sexual preferences - I do not receive nor give in that manner, thank you very much. I was pretty down that day, not having the emotional strength to explain it all, so...)
Her: "So how does it work?"
Me: "Well..."
Him "Well she can sleep with the other guy who can sleep with other guys, but he doesn't sleep with other guys or something like that, right?"
Her: "Oh so like a open relationship?"
Me: "... sure."


And they left, having the same idea of the relationship as they had when they came... it often ends up like this, I have hour-long talks with people and in the end they leave and in their head, they still think "Oh they are sleeping around/open relationship".


Imagine you see a tree. You know it' s a tree, you've seen plenty before.
A Guy walks up to you and tells you this is a new bio-energy-system build in the labs, using solar power to generate energy, so its not a tree, its a solar generator. You still think it' s a tree and if someone asks you, you tell them "Thats a tree - that makes solar power."


Your first judgment sticks.


You will have a hard time explaining to someone who sees a Stripper that it really is just a performance artist' s way of self expression or really just dancing.


Maybe you have been the victim of judgments before? Especially people having a certain look, are quickly put into a spot "Hey emo/hippy/gangster/old timer" regardless if you match that cliché or not, it will stick. If someone meets you the first time in a business suit, they would never expect you to like, let' s say... surfing or hard punk music at first.


Children are far less biased in this area... a child meets something new and explores it, it takes the time to sit down and watch it, to task questions... they will ask you till your sick of it, ask as deep as they can, question after question "Why is the tree here? How does it Grow? Why does the sun shine so the tree grows? Why is it green?" forming a true and unbiased image of the things for themselves. Shaolin Monks and a few other forms of self-finding also carry this behavior: of not judging, of asking and exploring everything anew, something more people should do.




If you consider being open about your poly relationship in public, be ready to have your sexuality, morality and mind judged over and questioned by the people around you... be thankful if they even do, many just gossip behind your back... and prepare yourself... Honestly, print out a quick FAQ, a info graph or handout, it will save you many nerves in situations where you don't feel strong enough to defend and explain yourself, to reach out and try to change a person' s mindset.


written by T

Galileo wore a red dress

The red dress is a gift I gave to b, one that is quite inviting to the eye, some might call it exposing. Still she wears it with pride and a bright blush and in many ways, the same is true for our relationship and how it is displayed to our fellow human. Beautiful, but yet it may still shock people… some feel morally offended, some smile and enjoy what they see. When a girl holds hands with two boys, kissing both... she wears the bright red dress, draws eyes and thoughts, judgment and opinions.

B once asked me if I feel bad when we ... shock people, with wearing our red dress- mainly not hiding what makes us happy. We should not need to hide what brings us joy, as it is nothing bad, nothing shameful one should hide.

No, I don’t feel bad, I in fact think it is a kind of service to them and us, challenging the observers worldview to think about what he is seeing, to explain to himself how those people can smile so brightly, can be so filed with joy while doing something that they might consider bad... maybe, so I hope, it makes them think why they consider it bad or good.

Maybe, it makes the viewer think why he views things how they are, is it truly his own opinion, based on experiences or does he repeat what the media, parents and society at large imprinted in him? Following, repeating and copying is a basic and strong survival instinct, it is what we and many animals do from the moment we see the world of the light. But humanity has moved on beyond the basic needs of survival, not by endlessly repeating the actions, mindsets and thoughts of the time before us, but by innovation, by trying, by failing and keeping going.

Many innovators, many geniuses of our time have been mocked, haunted, laughed and hated by their society at the time. They also had the red dress, had to expose themselves and there ideas, face the judgment of the people: "The world is round? You are mad my man! You think man can fly, like birds? The gods themselves will smite you down for your stupidity!". I however do not desire to claim that all experiments are good, but one might argue that it was worth trying.

"How do you make good choices? Experience! How do you get experience? Bad choices."

Our lives where improved by these proud man and woman, putting on there red dress, showing themself, some passing without ever knowing that they changed the future and the lives of countless people. How would humanity have advanced if its mind was more open? What if the church had promoted a different view, what if instead of the Dark Age, the loss of knowledge, a lifestyle of openness and innovation would have ruled? If every man and woman would have been granted the chance to life out there inspirations?

I do not know, but I know there are always those who dare and those who don't. Both profit the benefits of the innovations, the same kind of people who would not believe in medical operations, because everyone knew that only god could heal you from your punishment, now enjoy a longer life to judge and critic others with, while not daring to do the same.

Do you dare to wear your red dress?

T Talks

T here, fair warning, this is just me talking about life, no polyamory focus.
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Valentine


So it's Valentines day, commercial exploit spread over the world viva marketing... or is it a special day to show someone you like that you well, do so? A excuse to gift a rose?


I for one simply took it as a opportunity... I gifted some roses, you see... and a kiss. The first rose was given to a stranger, a woman I've never meet before or known. Poor girls name is "billig" which is German for "Cheap"... you can imagine the many poor puns she had to endure in her life... she was working as a cash lady in a super market where I bought her rose and two more.


I gave it to her, giving that lady a smile as bright as the sun "Did you see that? Look!" she spoke with a warmth in her voice, displaying the rose proudly. That alone makes the day worth being around in my opinion... giving a smile like that makes me feel so much better, too.


It was sort of like giving a rose for B... I just couldn't give it to her, but you know... maybe giving it to the universe at large will have it returned to B in another positive way.


The next two where given to two girlfriends... one is engaged, the other single, but way to young for me anyway (legally it'd be fine, but I would feel like a pedo bear). Even if it might be hard for some people to believe, I do enjoy giving without special motives... well it makes me happy, thats selfish enough afterall.


The kiss I won't go into detail about, privacy and all.


I bought one last rose for another person, so I gave 4 little flowers, let them bleed there life away for our amusement. Now I'm addressing some people online who I know have it hard on this day, I hated it when I was still single and easing it for those who where like me just feels right.
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The Story of the old Lady


Among the bus I ride there is a bus stop. This bus stop is a bit off, hard to see, often covered in thick fog, a little run down... and often overlooked. More then once the bus drove past someone standing in there, namely a young girl.


This young girl seems to have a grandmother... a study build, most likely in her 70-80's Lady. Each single day she stands at this bus stop, wearing a bright green jacket and makes sure the bus stops to take everyone there with it... only once every child has entered and the bus left, she departs again.


For more then 6 years she has done this now, without fail, ensuring the young girl gets to where she needs to go to, in time. Sometimes if the fog is thick she brings a flashlight and sometimes if it rains there is a umbrella...


I can't say what the lesson is or "the point", but I felt like sharing it with you, the Story of the amazing, lovely, old Lady.


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Being Social?


Holy crap, I'm like, famous. People want to hang out with me all the time and honest to god, it is exhausting...


Now to elaborate, maybe the personality type INTJ means something to you, maybe not. It generally matches me somewhat accurately, being a introverted thinker that is more focused on the big idea then the small details. I enjoy being... "alone" a lot, of course not all the time, but it has its own values... just to think, just be, just listen to the quite interesting voices in my head...


Now when I'm with people, I feel a bit pressured... to do this, to do that, you have to keep your eyes open, read all the subtle emotions, gestures, unspoken words... and goddammit people, especially you ladies, you are just not logical! I mean the one moment I can already figure out what the next sentence your going to say is going to be before you open your lips, the next your all emotional and illogical.


Now people want to talk to me, hang out, want me to go places... and yes, I like that, but I also like saying "No, I'd rather sit alone in my room and do nothing" without feeling like I'm hurting peoples feeling... then again, getting to the point where they understand shouldn't be as hard as it is...


You know, I really thought I was going somewhere with this ranting, but I'm not. To cut it short, give me my space people, truly It is just how I roll.


Happy Valentine's Day

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!

I' ve made a little board with my personal resolutions for 2011.

I'm usually not a Girlish girl that makes resolutions and i don't read the horoscope (except when i'm inlove with someone, i know, i0m weird), but since now i live with Moreno, i think we need to write down a few goals to keep in mind, so that we can be a bit more organised and more focused  on what we want.

I' ve written the board in japanese, because i want to enforce the concept i should think of everything in japanese, so it's easier to learn it well and practice.

I know Moreno is the typical rude boy that doesn't give a shit about resolutions or horoscopes, so i know he won't mind not being able to read the board.

Anyways, my new year's resolutions are:

1)STUDY  EVERY DAY

(don't laugh, please. I know it sounds ridiculous,and maybe it is, but i want at least try! The thing is not to really study a lot every single day, but to study more than i've done until now.

2)DO MORE MOVEMENT

I mean, more than zero, which is the amount of movement I'm doing now. Running when the weather permits it, otherwise yoga and exercising at home. [a proposito], I'm going to take a dance mat and other fun games of ps2 and eyetoy. Who said that exercise has to be boring?

3)MONEY: EARN AT LEAST 300€ PER MONTH

again, it's more than what I've done in 2010! Earning more with a saltuary, part-time job would be unrealistic...

4)BOOKS: READ MORE

and also, finish the translation of The Book. I want to go back to the days i used to read a lot, and people gave me books as presents when they didn't know what to buy me. Now they buy me.. purses. And cups. Yeah.

5)PERSONAL GOALS: VOLUNTEER

with the red cross, or animal protection, apply for the civil service, donate blood, etc.

6)MY PASSIONS: be artsy again

maybe i'll take a watercolour course with my friend, or maybe i'll just start painting home by myself, and i'll start also working for the blog. Anyways, i'm planning to be back to painting!

Another creative thing i',ll do will be knitting, hopefully with the help of moreno's mom!

7)GREEN THUMB: gardening, and eat our own veggies. Or at least this year i don't want to kill my plants anymore!

8)HOME: BUY SOME FUCKING FURNITURE AND A FUCKING BED

I mean, a REAL one, super-size bed. And make room for my books and create a place to study in peace! No kittens nor humans allowed.

9)PERSONAL GOALS: STOP WASTING TIME

that is toi say: reduce the online time, and the lazy time doing nothing or daydreaming.

Transform that time in gstudyh time,  gmeh time, gcreativeh time, doing healthy activities that make me happy. Be it alone, or with company.

 10)BOYCOTT: STOP BUYING USELESS TOXIC COSMETICS TESTED ON ANIMALSand buy more natural, sustainable stuff!

11)BE LESS SHY!

Have the courage of my feelings, express what i really think, especially with the people i like. It's the most difficult, that's why it's the last one. And also, be able to take care of my partners, and nurture our relationships with all the love and care i'm capable of, without restraining myself and never let my fears push me away from them.

Please notice that i haven't added "blog more regularly" or "more frequently"h among them, because right now i really don't have the time to blog regularly, i don't have enough partners nor enough experience in poly relationships to be a [punto di riferimento] to anyone and i sometimes just want to take my time from the internet and be alone. In fact, this year should be the ginternet detoxh year, so don't expect too much from me. I alredy consider the amount of time i'll spend working for blog illustrations as a bonus time i'm spending on the blog, and with Tom writing we can [dividerci il lavoro].

Consider that this is a blog i write for my own [piacere], since there's no form of advertising on it, and i don't gain any money from it. When you have a [passatempo], you can still like it and do it well only if it's not a job, with no regular schedules and not being forced to update your work every single day/week.

So to be able to continue liking this blog, i must not take it too seriously!

It's a thing i do for me and for the few that reads, not for a living.

Whenever something relevant happens in my life, i'll find the time and the right words to write about it, and that's it. That's the only guarantee you can have.

Hope it's enought for making this blog worth reading and I hope it's enough to make it useful for someone.

HOLIDAYS: THE AFTERMATH

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much lately, but I' ve been busy with holydays, exams, flirting, and trying new toys with my boyfriend. ;P

The exams didn't go as well as i wanted, but I won't give up on my studies just for that.

I can't stand the people that tell me i should get a job, or do the desperate housewife at home, cooking for my boyfriend, now that i live at his place.

Everyone feels like giving advice about my studies the exact day my countdown for the exams start, and most of them never even finished high school. That just sounds ridiculous!

Anyways, New Year's Eve Party went well, better than i could expect, at least sentimentally speaking.

There were some organization problems, but in the end we've been together, we got drunk, and we had fun! And cuddling and sleeping followed. Ah, I LOVE cuddling!

I mean, a 2011 start kissing in San Marco, Venice, under the fireworks? Couldn't be any better.

I'll write more about it in some other post some day, now I' m too lazy to do it, and there are still a few things I' m trying to figure out about what happened, and what i can talk about here (since there were other people involved and I never had time to contact them for permission and stuff).

And this bring us to the topic i care discussing about today:

I'm openly and freely talking about my life, but since I've chosen not to use a pseudonym, everyone that knows me and my friends in real life can figure out who they are, so to protect their privacy the best thing i can do is always ask them, post by post, how do they like to be called, if i can describe them, their actions etc.

The best thing is always to make them read my posts before i publish them, so they can give me their opinion and ask not to reveal that certain detail etc.

I have nothing to hide when it comes to myself, but i also care about others and i respect their privacy. Not that they do unthinkable things, but it's normal that people could decide not to share their life with stranger, and i accept that.

If a friend of mine gave birth to a child, she might not want me to post pictures of her baby in my blog only because i'm happy for her.

I've known about friends of my friends who got troubles at work because their boss was their friend on facebook, and they posted things they didn't like too much :D

People tend to forgot that, every time they post something on a forum, blog, site, social network, it remains there and can be found by anyone, even by your worst enemies.

So I always try to be careful of what i can talk about and what i cannot, because I don't want my actions to hurt anyone, directly or undirectly.

It' s difficult at times, i'm a lazy ass when it comes to update this blog and translate it, but I'm starting to become a real blogger, meaning that if something interesting or relevant happens in my life, my first thought is how to put it into my next post, and it's frustrating sometimes to have to wait the “right” moment to share such informations with strangers online.

I' m working on a blog page to sum up a sort of “list of characters” , with a pseudonym of every person that doesn't want to publicly appear on this site with their real name, and a brief description just to introduce them to the future readers.

Another thing I'd like to add to the blog, one day, is a illustration/comic strip contribution, using those same characters in the form of animal-like people.

That would take time for a study of each character and the artworks, but I hope I'll be able to put it together this year, or maybe next year. Depends on how much I will study!

Another good news is that Thomas finally decided to join us in this blog, and he'll write in the English section too (since he doesn't speak Italian, I'll take care of translations).

I should have introduced him better, thing I want to do in the “about us” section of this blog.

Thomas is my German boyfriend. I met him on okcupid, the same website where I met Moreno.

He came to visit us this summer, and we had 2 lovely months together.

We love each other dearly and we really miss each other, It' s difficult to be so far away.

But yeah, we knew that before we met: He lives in Germany and I live and study here in Italy, and we know a long-distance relationship has its limits.

Still, we communicate regularly on the internet, and we' re looking forward for the next time we'll meet in real life.

I take his opinion and his feeling in great consideration, even if sometimes it doesn't seem so because, living so far away and being so busy with our life and our problems, it's difficult to give to a distant partner the right amount of love, listening and attention.

I' ve been told from a blog reader that it's difficult to tell when it's him writing or when it's me, so I will re-edit the previous posts to make sure the author is the first thing that the post shows clearly.

I hope this increased amount of authors won't be confusing for anyone!

Moreno decided blogging is not really for him. After he created this blog for me, he just didn't feel the need to share his thoughts with other people anymore, so we agreed I'll work on the writing part, and he'll just help me reviewing and translating stuff.

I feel particularly lazy in this period, and still kinda depressed for my exams, so i'll probably post rarely and i'll write very short posts, just to let you know I'm alive!

And that's all, I guess. For now.

A new post with new year's resolutions will follow soon!

kisses

Outreach

Assume that you are in a poly relationship for a moment ... how would you introduce others to your situation? Like a very smart girl recently said, "Being poly is complicated".

Sadly at the time being, saying something like "Hi, i´m poly, how are you" is simply a bit too overwhelming, maybe too unorthodox, too extreme... simply not accepted by society at large. But things change in the winds of time, just like one can now mostly openly state if they have a preference for partners of the same sex, without it always being something that scare people off. Oh you' re gay? That' s fine. The acceptance of alternative lifestyles slowly grows and hopefully so does the understanding.

The first impression is still guided by cliches, by the things forced deep into your perception by society and media. Girls with tattoos on their lower back are easy, men with long black hair have to be metal fans/hippy/rockers/clicheofyourchoice, a woman that prefers black as her clothing is a goth, someone with a certain haircut is an emo and poly people sleep around.

How can one break all these opinions people grew up, things they rely on to form their perception of the world? How can you tell them they are wrong, how can you tell them little (nothing?) could be further from the truth?

I can only give you my opinion about the topic, but a lot of this is based on the context of your communication after all. I choose to approach it gently, start relating to each other... Not just you are being judged by your peers, but your peers are also being judged by everyone else. Share your opinions on the "forcing a label on others" topic, let them come to the conclusion that not every cliche or idea they may get at the first glance is true.

Maybe play with describing a poly relationship, without saying the word poly itself. Talk about your relationship where you share everything, your desires and wishes, where you let your partner know when you enjoy something in another person, how your trust is so deep you don´t need to hide your own wishes and longings. If they accept the idea at its core, without jumping at the reflex of "poly means fuck.-buddies", you at least have a start.

On that note, I was quite plagued with... when do you tell someone you' re poly? No matter if that someone is a friend, a love interest, a possible or current partner... they do have a right to know. Should one hide it, let them get to know you without the "negative" impact of knowing your poly? Or do you say it right away, scaring the other person away, maybe even more as if you would have said "I' ve got a boy/girl-friend?"... and yes, from my experience if you say "I am poly" people don´t go "Oh sweet, possibilities!", but instead think you are less trustworthy than a normal person... all while a poly relationship is based and working because of being trusting, open and honest.

Now I for once have chosen my stance on the subject, I will rather state it too early than too late. First of all, I am not ashamed of my choice, in fact i´m very proud and happy to have the strength and luck to be in a poly relationship. I also think the other person deserves to know, to be warned in a way, but also to LEARN what it means to be poly first. Just like an exciting poly relationship should be based on honesty, a new starting or adding relationship should imo, start with just as much honesty.

The right time is not the end nor the start, but do yourself a favor and have your "coming out" before anyone would be hurt by you saying it.

Additionally, you owe it to your partner. Not admitting you' re poly means that, in a way, you' re ashamed of admitting his/her importance to you.

Even if it fails and the people you tell it choose to be mono over everything else... let them be.

Don´t try to force being poly onto someone, I know those who are deeply mono enjoy ranting, spitting hate and trying to enforce their limitations onto you, but there is no need to act the same way. The freedom of choice is something I wish to grant everyone, by giving them all the information they could need to make that choice in their own, best interest.