Galileo wore a red dress

The red dress is a gift I gave to b, one that is quite inviting to the eye, some might call it exposing. Still she wears it with pride and a bright blush and in many ways, the same is true for our relationship and how it is displayed to our fellow human. Beautiful, but yet it may still shock people… some feel morally offended, some smile and enjoy what they see. When a girl holds hands with two boys, kissing both... she wears the bright red dress, draws eyes and thoughts, judgment and opinions.

B once asked me if I feel bad when we ... shock people, with wearing our red dress- mainly not hiding what makes us happy. We should not need to hide what brings us joy, as it is nothing bad, nothing shameful one should hide.

No, I don’t feel bad, I in fact think it is a kind of service to them and us, challenging the observers worldview to think about what he is seeing, to explain to himself how those people can smile so brightly, can be so filed with joy while doing something that they might consider bad... maybe, so I hope, it makes them think why they consider it bad or good.

Maybe, it makes the viewer think why he views things how they are, is it truly his own opinion, based on experiences or does he repeat what the media, parents and society at large imprinted in him? Following, repeating and copying is a basic and strong survival instinct, it is what we and many animals do from the moment we see the world of the light. But humanity has moved on beyond the basic needs of survival, not by endlessly repeating the actions, mindsets and thoughts of the time before us, but by innovation, by trying, by failing and keeping going.

Many innovators, many geniuses of our time have been mocked, haunted, laughed and hated by their society at the time. They also had the red dress, had to expose themselves and there ideas, face the judgment of the people: "The world is round? You are mad my man! You think man can fly, like birds? The gods themselves will smite you down for your stupidity!". I however do not desire to claim that all experiments are good, but one might argue that it was worth trying.

"How do you make good choices? Experience! How do you get experience? Bad choices."

Our lives where improved by these proud man and woman, putting on there red dress, showing themself, some passing without ever knowing that they changed the future and the lives of countless people. How would humanity have advanced if its mind was more open? What if the church had promoted a different view, what if instead of the Dark Age, the loss of knowledge, a lifestyle of openness and innovation would have ruled? If every man and woman would have been granted the chance to life out there inspirations?

I do not know, but I know there are always those who dare and those who don't. Both profit the benefits of the innovations, the same kind of people who would not believe in medical operations, because everyone knew that only god could heal you from your punishment, now enjoy a longer life to judge and critic others with, while not daring to do the same.

Do you dare to wear your red dress?

T Talks

T here, fair warning, this is just me talking about life, no polyamory focus.
________________________________________________________________
Valentine


So it's Valentines day, commercial exploit spread over the world viva marketing... or is it a special day to show someone you like that you well, do so? A excuse to gift a rose?


I for one simply took it as a opportunity... I gifted some roses, you see... and a kiss. The first rose was given to a stranger, a woman I've never meet before or known. Poor girls name is "billig" which is German for "Cheap"... you can imagine the many poor puns she had to endure in her life... she was working as a cash lady in a super market where I bought her rose and two more.


I gave it to her, giving that lady a smile as bright as the sun "Did you see that? Look!" she spoke with a warmth in her voice, displaying the rose proudly. That alone makes the day worth being around in my opinion... giving a smile like that makes me feel so much better, too.


It was sort of like giving a rose for B... I just couldn't give it to her, but you know... maybe giving it to the universe at large will have it returned to B in another positive way.


The next two where given to two girlfriends... one is engaged, the other single, but way to young for me anyway (legally it'd be fine, but I would feel like a pedo bear). Even if it might be hard for some people to believe, I do enjoy giving without special motives... well it makes me happy, thats selfish enough afterall.


The kiss I won't go into detail about, privacy and all.


I bought one last rose for another person, so I gave 4 little flowers, let them bleed there life away for our amusement. Now I'm addressing some people online who I know have it hard on this day, I hated it when I was still single and easing it for those who where like me just feels right.
____________________________________________________________________


The Story of the old Lady


Among the bus I ride there is a bus stop. This bus stop is a bit off, hard to see, often covered in thick fog, a little run down... and often overlooked. More then once the bus drove past someone standing in there, namely a young girl.


This young girl seems to have a grandmother... a study build, most likely in her 70-80's Lady. Each single day she stands at this bus stop, wearing a bright green jacket and makes sure the bus stops to take everyone there with it... only once every child has entered and the bus left, she departs again.


For more then 6 years she has done this now, without fail, ensuring the young girl gets to where she needs to go to, in time. Sometimes if the fog is thick she brings a flashlight and sometimes if it rains there is a umbrella...


I can't say what the lesson is or "the point", but I felt like sharing it with you, the Story of the amazing, lovely, old Lady.


________________________________________________________________




Being Social?


Holy crap, I'm like, famous. People want to hang out with me all the time and honest to god, it is exhausting...


Now to elaborate, maybe the personality type INTJ means something to you, maybe not. It generally matches me somewhat accurately, being a introverted thinker that is more focused on the big idea then the small details. I enjoy being... "alone" a lot, of course not all the time, but it has its own values... just to think, just be, just listen to the quite interesting voices in my head...


Now when I'm with people, I feel a bit pressured... to do this, to do that, you have to keep your eyes open, read all the subtle emotions, gestures, unspoken words... and goddammit people, especially you ladies, you are just not logical! I mean the one moment I can already figure out what the next sentence your going to say is going to be before you open your lips, the next your all emotional and illogical.


Now people want to talk to me, hang out, want me to go places... and yes, I like that, but I also like saying "No, I'd rather sit alone in my room and do nothing" without feeling like I'm hurting peoples feeling... then again, getting to the point where they understand shouldn't be as hard as it is...


You know, I really thought I was going somewhere with this ranting, but I'm not. To cut it short, give me my space people, truly It is just how I roll.


Happy Valentine's Day

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!

I' ve made a little board with my personal resolutions for 2011.

I'm usually not a Girlish girl that makes resolutions and i don't read the horoscope (except when i'm inlove with someone, i know, i0m weird), but since now i live with Moreno, i think we need to write down a few goals to keep in mind, so that we can be a bit more organised and more focused  on what we want.

I' ve written the board in japanese, because i want to enforce the concept i should think of everything in japanese, so it's easier to learn it well and practice.

I know Moreno is the typical rude boy that doesn't give a shit about resolutions or horoscopes, so i know he won't mind not being able to read the board.

Anyways, my new year's resolutions are:

1)STUDY  EVERY DAY

(don't laugh, please. I know it sounds ridiculous,and maybe it is, but i want at least try! The thing is not to really study a lot every single day, but to study more than i've done until now.

2)DO MORE MOVEMENT

I mean, more than zero, which is the amount of movement I'm doing now. Running when the weather permits it, otherwise yoga and exercising at home. [a proposito], I'm going to take a dance mat and other fun games of ps2 and eyetoy. Who said that exercise has to be boring?

3)MONEY: EARN AT LEAST 300€ PER MONTH

again, it's more than what I've done in 2010! Earning more with a saltuary, part-time job would be unrealistic...

4)BOOKS: READ MORE

and also, finish the translation of The Book. I want to go back to the days i used to read a lot, and people gave me books as presents when they didn't know what to buy me. Now they buy me.. purses. And cups. Yeah.

5)PERSONAL GOALS: VOLUNTEER

with the red cross, or animal protection, apply for the civil service, donate blood, etc.

6)MY PASSIONS: be artsy again

maybe i'll take a watercolour course with my friend, or maybe i'll just start painting home by myself, and i'll start also working for the blog. Anyways, i'm planning to be back to painting!

Another creative thing i',ll do will be knitting, hopefully with the help of moreno's mom!

7)GREEN THUMB: gardening, and eat our own veggies. Or at least this year i don't want to kill my plants anymore!

8)HOME: BUY SOME FUCKING FURNITURE AND A FUCKING BED

I mean, a REAL one, super-size bed. And make room for my books and create a place to study in peace! No kittens nor humans allowed.

9)PERSONAL GOALS: STOP WASTING TIME

that is toi say: reduce the online time, and the lazy time doing nothing or daydreaming.

Transform that time in gstudyh time,  gmeh time, gcreativeh time, doing healthy activities that make me happy. Be it alone, or with company.

 10)BOYCOTT: STOP BUYING USELESS TOXIC COSMETICS TESTED ON ANIMALSand buy more natural, sustainable stuff!

11)BE LESS SHY!

Have the courage of my feelings, express what i really think, especially with the people i like. It's the most difficult, that's why it's the last one. And also, be able to take care of my partners, and nurture our relationships with all the love and care i'm capable of, without restraining myself and never let my fears push me away from them.

Please notice that i haven't added "blog more regularly" or "more frequently"h among them, because right now i really don't have the time to blog regularly, i don't have enough partners nor enough experience in poly relationships to be a [punto di riferimento] to anyone and i sometimes just want to take my time from the internet and be alone. In fact, this year should be the ginternet detoxh year, so don't expect too much from me. I alredy consider the amount of time i'll spend working for blog illustrations as a bonus time i'm spending on the blog, and with Tom writing we can [dividerci il lavoro].

Consider that this is a blog i write for my own [piacere], since there's no form of advertising on it, and i don't gain any money from it. When you have a [passatempo], you can still like it and do it well only if it's not a job, with no regular schedules and not being forced to update your work every single day/week.

So to be able to continue liking this blog, i must not take it too seriously!

It's a thing i do for me and for the few that reads, not for a living.

Whenever something relevant happens in my life, i'll find the time and the right words to write about it, and that's it. That's the only guarantee you can have.

Hope it's enought for making this blog worth reading and I hope it's enough to make it useful for someone.

HOLIDAYS: THE AFTERMATH

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much lately, but I' ve been busy with holydays, exams, flirting, and trying new toys with my boyfriend. ;P

The exams didn't go as well as i wanted, but I won't give up on my studies just for that.

I can't stand the people that tell me i should get a job, or do the desperate housewife at home, cooking for my boyfriend, now that i live at his place.

Everyone feels like giving advice about my studies the exact day my countdown for the exams start, and most of them never even finished high school. That just sounds ridiculous!

Anyways, New Year's Eve Party went well, better than i could expect, at least sentimentally speaking.

There were some organization problems, but in the end we've been together, we got drunk, and we had fun! And cuddling and sleeping followed. Ah, I LOVE cuddling!

I mean, a 2011 start kissing in San Marco, Venice, under the fireworks? Couldn't be any better.

I'll write more about it in some other post some day, now I' m too lazy to do it, and there are still a few things I' m trying to figure out about what happened, and what i can talk about here (since there were other people involved and I never had time to contact them for permission and stuff).

And this bring us to the topic i care discussing about today:

I'm openly and freely talking about my life, but since I've chosen not to use a pseudonym, everyone that knows me and my friends in real life can figure out who they are, so to protect their privacy the best thing i can do is always ask them, post by post, how do they like to be called, if i can describe them, their actions etc.

The best thing is always to make them read my posts before i publish them, so they can give me their opinion and ask not to reveal that certain detail etc.

I have nothing to hide when it comes to myself, but i also care about others and i respect their privacy. Not that they do unthinkable things, but it's normal that people could decide not to share their life with stranger, and i accept that.

If a friend of mine gave birth to a child, she might not want me to post pictures of her baby in my blog only because i'm happy for her.

I've known about friends of my friends who got troubles at work because their boss was their friend on facebook, and they posted things they didn't like too much :D

People tend to forgot that, every time they post something on a forum, blog, site, social network, it remains there and can be found by anyone, even by your worst enemies.

So I always try to be careful of what i can talk about and what i cannot, because I don't want my actions to hurt anyone, directly or undirectly.

It' s difficult at times, i'm a lazy ass when it comes to update this blog and translate it, but I'm starting to become a real blogger, meaning that if something interesting or relevant happens in my life, my first thought is how to put it into my next post, and it's frustrating sometimes to have to wait the “right” moment to share such informations with strangers online.

I' m working on a blog page to sum up a sort of “list of characters” , with a pseudonym of every person that doesn't want to publicly appear on this site with their real name, and a brief description just to introduce them to the future readers.

Another thing I'd like to add to the blog, one day, is a illustration/comic strip contribution, using those same characters in the form of animal-like people.

That would take time for a study of each character and the artworks, but I hope I'll be able to put it together this year, or maybe next year. Depends on how much I will study!

Another good news is that Thomas finally decided to join us in this blog, and he'll write in the English section too (since he doesn't speak Italian, I'll take care of translations).

I should have introduced him better, thing I want to do in the “about us” section of this blog.

Thomas is my German boyfriend. I met him on okcupid, the same website where I met Moreno.

He came to visit us this summer, and we had 2 lovely months together.

We love each other dearly and we really miss each other, It' s difficult to be so far away.

But yeah, we knew that before we met: He lives in Germany and I live and study here in Italy, and we know a long-distance relationship has its limits.

Still, we communicate regularly on the internet, and we' re looking forward for the next time we'll meet in real life.

I take his opinion and his feeling in great consideration, even if sometimes it doesn't seem so because, living so far away and being so busy with our life and our problems, it's difficult to give to a distant partner the right amount of love, listening and attention.

I' ve been told from a blog reader that it's difficult to tell when it's him writing or when it's me, so I will re-edit the previous posts to make sure the author is the first thing that the post shows clearly.

I hope this increased amount of authors won't be confusing for anyone!

Moreno decided blogging is not really for him. After he created this blog for me, he just didn't feel the need to share his thoughts with other people anymore, so we agreed I'll work on the writing part, and he'll just help me reviewing and translating stuff.

I feel particularly lazy in this period, and still kinda depressed for my exams, so i'll probably post rarely and i'll write very short posts, just to let you know I'm alive!

And that's all, I guess. For now.

A new post with new year's resolutions will follow soon!

kisses

Outreach

Assume that you are in a poly relationship for a moment ... how would you introduce others to your situation? Like a very smart girl recently said, "Being poly is complicated".

Sadly at the time being, saying something like "Hi, i´m poly, how are you" is simply a bit too overwhelming, maybe too unorthodox, too extreme... simply not accepted by society at large. But things change in the winds of time, just like one can now mostly openly state if they have a preference for partners of the same sex, without it always being something that scare people off. Oh you' re gay? That' s fine. The acceptance of alternative lifestyles slowly grows and hopefully so does the understanding.

The first impression is still guided by cliches, by the things forced deep into your perception by society and media. Girls with tattoos on their lower back are easy, men with long black hair have to be metal fans/hippy/rockers/clicheofyourchoice, a woman that prefers black as her clothing is a goth, someone with a certain haircut is an emo and poly people sleep around.

How can one break all these opinions people grew up, things they rely on to form their perception of the world? How can you tell them they are wrong, how can you tell them little (nothing?) could be further from the truth?

I can only give you my opinion about the topic, but a lot of this is based on the context of your communication after all. I choose to approach it gently, start relating to each other... Not just you are being judged by your peers, but your peers are also being judged by everyone else. Share your opinions on the "forcing a label on others" topic, let them come to the conclusion that not every cliche or idea they may get at the first glance is true.

Maybe play with describing a poly relationship, without saying the word poly itself. Talk about your relationship where you share everything, your desires and wishes, where you let your partner know when you enjoy something in another person, how your trust is so deep you don´t need to hide your own wishes and longings. If they accept the idea at its core, without jumping at the reflex of "poly means fuck.-buddies", you at least have a start.

On that note, I was quite plagued with... when do you tell someone you' re poly? No matter if that someone is a friend, a love interest, a possible or current partner... they do have a right to know. Should one hide it, let them get to know you without the "negative" impact of knowing your poly? Or do you say it right away, scaring the other person away, maybe even more as if you would have said "I' ve got a boy/girl-friend?"... and yes, from my experience if you say "I am poly" people don´t go "Oh sweet, possibilities!", but instead think you are less trustworthy than a normal person... all while a poly relationship is based and working because of being trusting, open and honest.

Now I for once have chosen my stance on the subject, I will rather state it too early than too late. First of all, I am not ashamed of my choice, in fact i´m very proud and happy to have the strength and luck to be in a poly relationship. I also think the other person deserves to know, to be warned in a way, but also to LEARN what it means to be poly first. Just like an exciting poly relationship should be based on honesty, a new starting or adding relationship should imo, start with just as much honesty.

The right time is not the end nor the start, but do yourself a favor and have your "coming out" before anyone would be hurt by you saying it.

Additionally, you owe it to your partner. Not admitting you' re poly means that, in a way, you' re ashamed of admitting his/her importance to you.

Even if it fails and the people you tell it choose to be mono over everything else... let them be.

Don´t try to force being poly onto someone, I know those who are deeply mono enjoy ranting, spitting hate and trying to enforce their limitations onto you, but there is no need to act the same way. The freedom of choice is something I wish to grant everyone, by giving them all the information they could need to make that choice in their own, best interest.

So far away, yet so close in my heart

Distance

How is it to be in a long-distance poly relationship?

I can tell you it isn´t easy. You worry about things all the time, you miss your partner(s), miss feeling their warm body next to you, hearing their laughter... i could go on, as i often do in my mind... the things you will start to miss, small details, feelings, smells...

It´s like visiting Venice, you know? People say everyone gets depressed after they visit Venice, the overwhelming beauty making your current location seem dull and boring, depressingly gray and lifeless. But it isn´t all lifeless... you brought a little of that color with you and in the same way i often find myself smiling instead of frowning when i think of my time with b and m. The nerdy games, the naughty games... the awkward shared eye contact between us two dudes and the silent understanding...

And you begin to review things, like... did we really have that -no-words-needed-understanding? Or was i just thinking too positively? Now this sounds quite critically, but it´s not bad imo (In My Opinion)... I certainly figured some things i would do differently... dare i say, better... if I return. Maybe they come visit me, both are things i look forward to.


Of course we are still in contact... but it´s so limited... really if i type "i love you", it´s just 8 letters, sitting there... cold, slim, unmoving black lines on white background, expressing nothing of what I really feel, which would be more like a colorful, unstoppable, expanding universe too complex to again, force into simple words. And I know that b sometimes feels the same way...



Missing each other hurts so what do you do? You try not to think about each other, maybe not even talk... it works quite well after a while, you spend the day doing your things, none of the heaviness around your heart... but then you lay down to rest and like a flood breaking lose you can´t help but think of those so far away, yet so close in your heart. What does help against the pain? There is the temptation of... replacement. Distraction. Keeping your eyes open for others... i´m trying, hell, she even wants me to... but like a ship firmly anchored, i just can´t allow myself to fully let go. Do you know how to miss someone less while being unable to love them any less?


So to sum up, it is a mixed feeling... of course i am sad at times, missing them... in others i let my mind wander, thinking how nice it will be to finally meet again, to show them the same joy they gave me here, considering things to do, remembering little facts... at it feels nice. The mind begs for confirmation "yes I miss you, too.... Wish you where here..." such things... could hear them all day, could say them just as long. I hope this time will only make a meeting even more enjoyable, since after all can one know true joy without true suffering? But that´s another topic...

~So many "..."...

This time Mr. Monogamy doesn't win

I’m standing still, staring at the monitor. My fingers feel cramped.

My eyes see the lines of our chat sliding while you write, but the brain doesn’t record the words that are trying to reach me like an annoying background noise on the side of my eye.
A sudden drop of attention. It can happen, especially to me when I’m forced to listen to a boring talk. Or when I’m tired. Or when what I feel hurts me and I try to push it aside.
If you were here, you would be explaining to me that our relationship has to change because you’re unhappy like this, because when you love somebody you don’t need anyone else, bla, bla,   bla...
Need. As if people got together for need...Bullshit! What does that mean? It’s clear that I don’t need others, I don’t need you, what’s the meaning of that? I’m with you because I like you, not because I NEED you... As usual I’m not listening, I dissect the words and their use, dodging their meaning, pretending that I’m listening. Or maybe I’m listening, but pretending I’m not. I’m not here. I forgot what I feel. It hurts too much.


“Please, don’t leave me” cries the little girl inside me, curled up on her stomach.
Yes, yes, it’s all right, I knew this would happen, sooner or later. It’s just...I was hoping for the “later”. I didn’t realize that, for you, the time for us to part ways had arrived a long time ago. I’m brooding over “what I did wrong”... I should have given you more attentions, listening to you more, visiting you more. Who knows, maybe if I concentrated on you more I would have lengthened our time together, maybe I would have gained some more of your free week-ends, if you would have had any more. But I was selfish and I had little time and energy to dedicate to you. I’m not good enough at listening to and understanding the needs of the people I love, yet .  
You, however, explained even too clearly what your needs are: you can’t be with a girl that will not give up other men for you.


Would giving up Moreno for you make me happy? No, I would be losing two people I love at once, since I would end up hating you and feeling trapped. Once again I’m divided between the usual dilemma: is it me that’s not [insert adjective here] enough for you, or is it you the idiot that’s rejecting me because he doesn’t understand? Because he wants to control and shackle me?
It’s useless trying anymore: I’m poly, you’re mono. End of line.

Most of the people, out there, doesn’t even know people like us exists. The few who are trying to be informed, get distorted information from ironic jokes, and prejudices, or they filter that themselves, in an interpretative bricolage given by their own mindset. So the general opinion on polyamory is that it’s a momentary, strange trend, or a modern way to be a slut without problems.


Anyway, what comes through is the “recreational” aspect of being poly, which cannot be considered a serious way of loving and being committed in a relationship! Nobody among this stock of geniouses ever thought about the fact that in a relationship with multilple partners the investment of emotions and energies, and consequently of stress, are multiplied for the number of existing relationships, and so there's really not any fucking “recreational” aspect. Maybe poly people don’t suffer when they split up? What am I complaining about? For every guy that leaves me there there is another one ready to comfort me, right?


No way, I have no idea where to turn to.
“So you’re leaving me...it’s over.”
“Well, leaving...we never really where ‘together’..how do you leave somebody you were never together to begin with?” These are the usual play on words to bring back on earth the fairytales princess, reminder of the fact that we’re not a sweet couple, we never got officially engaged like the classical mono couples. Wake up! You never were my prince charming on a white steed, and horses stink anyway. We, for what concerned you, never existed. How convenient. Do you really believe it, when you say it? Do you rehearse saying it out loud, in front of the mirror in your bedroom, to convince yourself? Of course, you have a mirror in the bathroom only, sorry!


But I noticed how you look at me. You’re not gonna trick me, my dear. I know that the feeling we’re feeling are real, I didn’t make up mine. And neither did you. Can you really turn on and off your love whenever you like, just like flipping a switch? I know I can’t. I can’t close the tap of feelings and emotions that are flowing in and out of me, flooding the room when you’re here. Even when you’re not here. That, is my problem.


And also...if we’re not together, why would we need to change our relationship?
I’m trying to shake myself up, to ease the rage and understand, at a “technical” level, what means being “friends only”. What changes will ensue? I need a sign that you’ll still want to talk to me and that you’ll still care about me. But you’re elusive: you’re exhausted, feverish, and you look a little like an idiot. You want to go to sleep now that you’ve launched this bomb, and leave me alone with my fears.
We’ll talk later.


All I can get from you is a vague “no more sex and such”.  Ok, absorbment  phase: I minimize with stupid jokes, while my brain makes count of which memories of you shall I keep and which shall I flush down the toilet. But I can’t throw anything away. Shit...I close my eyes and I see myself again stuck on a hospital bed, fresh from a surgery, just out from anestesy, with a dry throat.
An hand genly puts a weth cloth on my lips and I suck it avidly, still half asleep. A light laugh comes from you, “hey, easy!”, you retreat the hand and you lightheartedly make fun of me.
I open my eyes.


My throat is dry but you’re not here. I’m alone in a little room packed of stuff, pieces of me that I drag around trying not to forget who I am and try not to fall apart.

We cheer and it’s time to go to bed.
I turn uselessly on the bed: sleep doesn’t come. Bad thoughts go adrift in my mind, gripping on rafts of doubts and obsessions. I need to choose. Choose. Choose if I, am the “wrong” one, or if you are.
I get the phone.


I could insult you, tell you to fuck yourself like I did with other monogamous idiots.
Instead I want to beg, despair, to do something extreme. Scream. I think about the past. I think about how much being emotional ended up separating me from the others and isolate me. No, I give up the thought. Better not make stupid mistakes. I set the phone down and turn around.
The little girl is still there, she occupies all the space on my bed.
She adjusts a brace of her salopette pajamas, she snuffles, she sulks.
“I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody. It’s better to be alone anyway.” But tears are welling up in her eyes and she sinks her head in the pillow trying to stop thinking.


Being alone is disgusting.


The sympathy and love of Moreno hardly gets to me: “Would you like me to call you?”.  I look at the reflexes on the ceiling, I dry off the tears. I listen to the city and myself.
Letting him call me...crying on the phone with him for someone else? I can’t do it anymore. Ok being “open”, but unloading on him all my shit does certanly not stabilize our relationship. I already made this mistake in the past and I was even scolded for that later.
I say thanks but no, goodnight my love, I isolate, I turn around the pillow on the dry side and try again. I sweat, undress, shiver, dress up again. I chat a little. I let steam off with a monogamous friend, whom doesn’t have a clue, he can only tell me that my lifestyle won’t make me happy, and that sooner or later everybody will leave me.
Hooray! 


“Even this Moreno, now he is at your side, but for how long?”.
“Fuck you!”. Defrag your brain, evil owl...


For how long? How long? When somebody foretells you that you’ll feel bad, you never know what to believe: if they fear it, or if they hope it, down below, just to feel better than you.
I try to sleep again, but it doesn’t work. The world is upside down and I don’t have a lifejacket.
I’m letting myself go...
In the end I text you. I don’t insult nor do I beg you, but I send you some of my despair. I’m too deep in love to convince myself that you don’t care for me at all, so I point for my other option: feeling inadequate and apologizing to you. Apologizing, yes, but about what? About existing? About not being as you want me? About not self-castrating me just to have the honour of being of your property? I’m getting more and more angry. Arched back and clamped mouth, head on the pillow. My body riots. I don’t have to apologize for who I am! The night goes by between nightmares full of people that abandon me and social workers that take my kids away because I have an “immoral lifestyle”...
The morning after my stress and uneasyness are skyrocketing, self confidence and enthusiasm are at their historical minimum.


Then your message comes:”Stupid girl you know that you’re wonderful”, it’s just that we’re different as you explain to me. Of course, of course...but the result is always the same, I lose you. 
“Well if seeing each other and not having sex means losing each other...”
A little hope...Friendship? True friendship, not that you stop calling me?
None of us two is wrong, then? We’re just DIFFERENT?
I needed you to understand it. Here is the third option I didn’t consider.
And you put me in front of it.

Then, friends!


...as soon as I understand how it works...
:)