05 June 2011


Yesterday a couple, who I am both friends with, came up to me and asked

Him: "So you are poly-open-somthing?"
Her: "Like, your girlfriend has another boyfriend?"
This seems to have been stuck in them for a while, as it nearly exploded out of them now
Him: "That guy, do you (engage in homosexual things)"
T: "No..."
(Short talk about my sexual preferences - I do not receive nor give in that manner, thank you very much. I was pretty down that day, not having the emotional strength to explain it all, so...)
Her: "So how does it work?"
Me: "Well..."
Him "Well she can sleep with the other guy who can sleep with other guys, but he doesn't sleep with other guys or something like that, right?"
Her: "Oh so like a open relationship?"
Me: "... sure."

And they left, having the same idea of the relationship as they had when they came... it often ends up like this, I have hour-long talks with people and in the end they leave and in their head, they still think "Oh they are sleeping around/open relationship".

Imagine you see a tree. You know it' s a tree, you've seen plenty before.
A Guy walks up to you and tells you this is a new bio-energy-system build in the labs, using solar power to generate energy, so its not a tree, its a solar generator. You still think it' s a tree and if someone asks you, you tell them "Thats a tree - that makes solar power."

Your first judgment sticks.

You will have a hard time explaining to someone who sees a Stripper that it really is just a performance artist' s way of self expression or really just dancing.

Maybe you have been the victim of judgments before? Especially people having a certain look, are quickly put into a spot "Hey emo/hippy/gangster/old timer" regardless if you match that cliché or not, it will stick. If someone meets you the first time in a business suit, they would never expect you to like, let' s say... surfing or hard punk music at first.

Children are far less biased in this area... a child meets something new and explores it, it takes the time to sit down and watch it, to task questions... they will ask you till your sick of it, ask as deep as they can, question after question "Why is the tree here? How does it Grow? Why does the sun shine so the tree grows? Why is it green?" forming a true and unbiased image of the things for themselves. Shaolin Monks and a few other forms of self-finding also carry this behavior: of not judging, of asking and exploring everything anew, something more people should do.

If you consider being open about your poly relationship in public, be ready to have your sexuality, morality and mind judged over and questioned by the people around you... be thankful if they even do, many just gossip behind your back... and prepare yourself... Honestly, print out a quick FAQ, a info graph or handout, it will save you many nerves in situations where you don't feel strong enough to defend and explain yourself, to reach out and try to change a person' s mindset.

written by T


  1. Saturday, my boyfriend and I took our girlfriend (or 'pet', as she likes to be introduced) to a birthday party (small bar, around 30/40 people). We snuggled, fondled and kissed, for our own pleasure and entertainment. Some guys were drooling, some girls were giving us dirty looks (one of them gave me a look like I had finger-banged her puppy), but our closest friends told us we looked awesome. Which we are. Which you are. Moral of the story? you're probably hanging out with the wrong crowd :) Kisses, M.

  2. I've been open about being poly for a lot of years.

    Is it hard when people try to stuff their stereotypes down my throat? Yeah it is.

    Is it worth it to be myself rather than wearing a mask and pretending to be somebody I'm not? Hell yeah.

    Others may make different decisions and I won't judge them for it. But I don't lie well enough to live that kind of a lie. It takes too much of a toll on me and my stress level to perpetrate such a deception.

    One thing I don't do is waste my time with FAQ's or attempts to change the minds of narrow minded people who have their opinions and don't want to be bothered with silly things like facts or reality.

    How do I run my relationships? My way, the same as everybody else.

    "Butt out!" is a complete sentence.

  3. What you write is what the Bible speaks when she says, "poor wisdom is not heard." Along the lines of the Bible, we all know there are men with multiple wives, and women are stoned for adultery, but men are not stoned for adultery and women are not deplicted in the Bible as having multiple male lovers. What the poor wisdom about Polyamory is, what we call "unrighteous swinging" or "recopulation abomination;" that the public has not to words to ask, nor do Polys understand the boundaries of just how far they are Biblically allowed to go with their lovers, thus why Polys shune away Swingers and the Gay communities. I may just opened a can of "Meat of the WORD" here, and could recite many scriptures, but this is not the place to post such.

  4. People are usually too preoccupied with their own stuff to really pay attention to what you're trying to convey. As Pratchett would say, if the human brain can't wrap itself around a concept then the people will just sort of glaze over and simply not see things that are right in front of them. Oh, also, your informational pamphlet should say, somewhere at the bottom, "If you still don't get it, you can bloody well fuck off!"